--To be edited at a future date. Made less uh...academic.

Halfway through this semester I embarked on a self-reflective attempt to understand one of my issues, that of body image, and I ended up at a tentative larger realization of how I am solely responsible for behavior and quietness in large group settings. The crux of my theory revolves around a self-fulfilling prophecy of blending in or invisibility and not being seen, and it struck me how I am the cause of the what I don’t want, how I am perpetuating my body image issues, and how I make a mainly unconscious idea of invisibility happen in some regard. I realize the irrationality in this self-fulfilling prophecy for I know I am not truly un-seen nor do I harbor a consistent belief of being invisible. However, in subtle ways I have allowed this idea to impact my life. In smaller groups, I am more talkative and open, and I need to expand this openness and be more comfortable with attention in larger groups. This approach is not working well for me in some areas, chiefly in the realm of romance.

I know my musings are only one strand of what is undoubtedly a complex “theory of me,” but it’s a start. The area in which this impacts me most is in the romantic realm because there is something about that domain that causes me to pull inward and disengage. I become an observer, a wallflower, unless the situation is more one-on-one or a small group. For years I have known what I need to do to improve my dissatisfaction yet have not acted in an effective manner, which increases my frustration and irritation with myself especially because I know I am at fault. I am responsible. In a family of siblings who seek and desire attention, I chose an alternate stance that has had lasting repercussions. I need to step into the center a little bit and shed my habit of blending into the background. It’s sometimes a lonely affair, and I’d rather open myself up to possibility than continue to choose to behave how I have in the past. Alternatives may exclude but it’s much more rewarding to be actively engaged in the process rather than remaining on the sideline.