she texted me. there's this guy in her gym class. he got her number from a friend. last night they were texting after she and i stopped. we always text every night. she like falls asleep texting me. but she likes him and she thinks he likes her.
and i was getting so close to telling her. so close. i'd finally gotten up enough courage and confidence to tell her how i feel about her. i thought that maybe she did like me too.
i just cried over her for the first time. before, no matter how bad things were, i couldn't cry. but i did just now. for like 20 minutes.
and i don't know how i'm gonna face her and pretend that things are the same tomorrow. but she's my best friend and i'm hers and i can't just run away from her.
i'm never going to be able to tell her now. it took me months to talk myself up. now...i don't want to give up. but now i don't know what to do anymore.
i need to go do homework. i have a few hours' worth to get done in the next two and a half hours.
i've never said this before but FML. why couldn't i have been somebody else? why couldn't i be straight? ...i wasn't actually positive i was bi before. but now i know i am, because that wouldn't hurt so much if i was straight. that wouldn't cut into me so deep if she was just a dear friend.
i hate my life. if i was the kind of person who cut or threatened suicide, that's what i'd be doing now. but instead i'm just going to shove my feelings into that tight spot where they're hidden and go back to the life most people see.