so my sister and i had a rather interesting discussion earlier tonight. i won't go into the full details because quite frankly, it's far too complicated and stressful, and i honestly would rather not go back down that road for a little while.

the subject eventually came around to the fact that i have issues with keeping friends. it's not that i don't like making friends, nor is it that i have trouble making friends. the problem starts when acquaintances start to believe that he/she and i are friends three days after having made contact. i just don't do that. i don't meet someone and instantly become their friend. maybe that's why i had such trouble at girls' state and all those other social functions where you're supposed to make lifelong pals. i don't instantly bond with people. whatever gland or gene that tells you that you need to connect with someone on an intimate level after maybe a few hours of conversation, i don't have it. if i did have it, it must've died or whithered away a looooong time ago. i don't do the exchange of information, the bear hugs, the up-and-down-swears that i'll facebook and text and call from two-three hours away every day or some nonsense like that.

that's not me.

and the friends i do have (few that they are) are the people i go without seeing for now months at a time. i last saw my best friends probably, well, it was a week and a half ago, maybe two weeks. but the next time i'll see them? i'll see one of them in three weeks, and the other, maybe in october. am i whining? no. i'm making a point. a point that my sister failed to understand. a point that she literally said was foreign to her ears. i don't need my friends to survive. i don't have to see my friends on a daily or weekly basis to get through my life. do i enjoy seeing them? yes, very much so, but i honestly believe that if i saw them every day, we wouldn't have the relationship that we do. call me idealistic, call me a fool, whatever, that's what i honestly believe.

and coming back to the earlier discussion, i came to the conclusion that i probably will never have a normal relationship. not through any fault of my own, simply because of my own preferences. my sister found this fascinatingly unique, the fact that i feel no need for whenever i do get into a relationship to be near my significant other for extended periods of time. they have their own life to live, and hopefully so will i. of course, this might be subject to change if a relationship ever does come my way. i will not be subject to the whims and wills of another human being and they will not be subject to mine. we will each come as go as we please. crazy? maybe, but i have a gut feeling that that's how it's going to work out in the end.

to be perfectly honest, i think the reason i feel this way, both about friends and lovers is because on a subconscious level, i recognize the intrinsic transience of life. things move, things change, and to try and control that change is like hanging onto a twig during a hurricane. to accept the change and move with it while still creating your own path is the ideal scenario. why hold onto things when in the end, they don't matter? in the end, all that matters is what you took from the rest.