hey muffins
remember me? if not don't fret, you soon will. how's everybody been? what are we all up to lately? hope nobody is having any massive problems, certainlly that nobody is hurting themselves in any way.

Today is Yom Kippur (Atonement Day), my family have all gone their separate ways to fast, dad's in Malaysia, one sister at aunt's place and other sister with mum at the grandparent's place. I opted to stay at home alone, i don't celebrate atonement day and other members of my family find that very offensive, lol in fact everyone here does, i've completely shut down the house and all the blinds and windows and locked all the doors so i don't get too much in trouble for having the electricity on. i'll make myself some nice food tonight, have a glass of wine, watch amelie and listen to music, that's how im planning on spending my atonement day, i wont have anybody else dictate to me how to worship God, and i don't believe that just by saying sorry on one day of the year you get off the hook for all the shit you've done to everyone....doesn't work like that in my mind, it's as silly an idea as confession in my opinion. especially in matters of the soul, just saying you're sorry isn't enough is it? you have to truly feel it, and only you can do that, between you and yourself, you and God, nobody elses business.

lol well i got that off my chest, feel better already.
I've not been here in quite a long time, been months really. Last I was here I was probably in the midst of having sex with someone new everynight, dating 5 men at a time and drinking and smoking all the time...so i suppose i've not left a great impression. something huge has happened between then and now, and thankfully it's not a sexually transmitted disease, rather my family immigrated to israel from australia. Certainlly took their time, I hadn't seen them for two years, now we have a beautiful three story house, huge garden, we live at the foot of the carmel mountain and on the shore of the sea, in a small farming community of only a few thousand, got an avocado field right next to us on one side and banana fields on the other, it's very nice. we're getting a dog soon, something i've been really looking foward to, i've been setting thing up for that, making sure there aren't holes in the fence, and i've been watering and planting in the garden so it's nice for the us and for the dog. I've sort of found the one i'm looking for, he's a mutt, about medium sized, something small crossed with a german shepard, so he's got the german shepard colours but not the physique, very cute floppy ears and great fur, gentle and affectionate but assertive and happy, he's name is jason right now but we might change it, it was just a name the pound people made up for him, and he's about a year and a half old.

such a great setting isn't it? shame im not in highschool lol, coz as things stand i need to go now and look for a job, an aweful 5 dollars an hour job in retail, standing up all day and dealing with annoying people. i like dogs better. lol, actually if that's all there was to it i wouldn't complain at all, everyone has to work and my art isn't generating any income....yet. the sad part of it is that even with this great house and us being finally back in israel where we belong with our family, things aren't right, without going into the fine details of it all, we're more disjointed and separated from eachother than ever, i guess it's just been too long, the fighting, the differences and the distance, my father three weeks of every month in malaysia working, my mum and sisters in australia and me here, we've all grown apart. I often think it would be better if we did all just go our separate ways, maybe we'd all individually be happier...

on a more upbeat nose though, i've finally quit dying my hair, it's been blonde, it's been red, it's been brown, and now it's finally and safely back to black, and it's longer, i don't know if i filled you in on this one but earlier this year i had a minor hair disaster, i got really drunk and took scissors to my hair, left two giant holes, and after trying to fix it repeatedly i finally had to shave it all off and i was completely bold, took ages to grow back, i looked like a giant walking penis.

damn, this is really not the time for me to think about it but, i desperately miss having sex. i promised myself i wont go into the fine details like i used to, and i wont, just it's been about two months and it's really difficult without it, but oh well.

The love of my life, david, has started seeing somebody new, someone who posted that "heavy cross" song by the gossip on his wall, totally destroyed my liking for that song, i just seem to make nasty fat jokes now everytime it comes on....though you have to admit that the whole gold theme just doesn't suit that poor girl, she looks lovely in the black outfit though. david is over me, i need to accept that, it's been ages now, we've both seen people to make eachother jealous, we've both fallen in love with other peole, and with eachother again, we've been friends for about four years, i've given it all i had, nobody else had me like he did and still probably does, but i suppose a time must come where you must free your heart so that someone else can come in to it, and with my fresh new start, i guess now is an opportune time for that, before long i'll leave home again, go and live by myself in tel aviv, and there i'll need all my strength not to go back into my old habbits, so i best come with a good and clean mind and heart for that task.

About atonement day, i guess it's no harm if i say what i think here, it's all quite anonymous anyway. i am sorry to a few people, like for my little sister and at times for my mother, for my grandmother and my father and for david and christian, to patrick and to katey, and to billie, i love them all deeply. there you go, now it's out there, not just in my head and in my heart, somebody knows. to God, i guess what i have to say that we're ok, i understand.

oh, i think i should mention that i finally, finally, have my own room, a space that is my own, im no longer living in my aunt's bomb shelter or in my grandmother's library, my room is mine, i have my own bed, which is red, my own chair, which is red, my own curtains, which are red, my own shelves and my own paintings on my own walls, all of which are red. I even bought red skinny jeans to go with my red velvet jacket for when the winter finally comes.

I suppose i should stop digging a hole through your skull and sign off now, it just feels nice to have taken the time to write a little here, i missed this place but never had the stamina to write anything i wanted to, it all becomes so complicated sometimes doesn't it?

well as the jews say, i wish you all a light fast and a good verdict, just don't play by other people's rules and dont let yourself be taken, i think people on this site are especially smart, and most are wonderful, and all of us don't quite fit into the social structure, so you'll know what i mean.
adam