He's so beautiful.

I like the way his hair smells. How he leans his head on a shoulder, or curls his body next to mine. How he stares into my eyes. Or smiles way too much. Or just says the cutest and most silliest of things.

Except he probably doesn't know all of that. Even I don't really want to admit it. Because he likes me more than I like him. I'm sure. Sure.

I suppose my love life doesn't really suck ass like I said it did. At least not by circumstance, but definitely by choice. There were boys in my life in the past few months, some that come and go, some that have crushes on me, some who I had crushes on but never confessed about. But I just didn't want a relationship. I didn't want attachment. It's very self-assuring to know people fall for me for whatever reason, but I brushed off many of them eventually. Emotional attachment, commitment, it's just such a scary thing.

If you've been following some of my journals, I'm on holiday now. I've got two weeks. Except I have to go back to school for an assessment and go to scholarship tutorials still. I have exams to study for, and I've also applied for SATs. This holiday is so vital for me, these exams and scholarships are going to determine my university and my life.

I don't need an amazing boy that definitely deserves my time to suddenly disrupt my momentum. Why, why does he have to come now? Why am I feeling different about him when all the other guys I could be so nonchalant about and be in control of my emotions and priorities?

Let's call him J. I met J at a party last night. I knew I wanted to get with him, and I did. I thought that was going to be the end of it, but obviously not.

I could tell he's really into me. He didn't know I was gay at first, because for the first half of the night I was really drunk and hooked up with one of my best friends... which is a girl. But then somehow, he found out from someone I'm... "sexually deviant". I went around trying to kiss everyone on the cheeks, and eventually I kissed his, and he actually kissed back. So it kind of started like that.

He was sitting next to me in a group of people, we started talking in a group, and then eventually he leaned closer to me... I realised he was kind of shy when he did that. But then I leaned on him too, and his tension eased. I was always a little more distant with my body language... but then he'd lie down in my lap and stare at my eyes. Or he'd grab my hand and play with my fingers or cling onto my arm. But we weren't antisocial or anything, all this happened with people around us, and they didn't care. I met some pretty amazing people last night and we'd be talking and talking while he snuggled close to me.

Maybe I'm falling for him because he's different? He's definitely a theatre kid, he's flamboyant and he's cute as hell. But that's not the point, he's not a fling like the others, he's not detached, in fact he's attached. And maybe that's what's making me attached too. It's making me so vulnerable, because I know I can't let him down, he deserves more than just apathetic flings, or pathetic rejections.

Funny thing is, the birthday party was hosted by another gay guy, B. He's the guy I mentioned in my other entry who "I met and reminded me of myself when I was younger." I got pulled over by our mutual friend during the night and she told me "B wants to get with you." How ironic, but by then me and J were already kind of leaning on each other... It was very flattering knowing that though, in fact it probably would've been better if I did get with B instead. B is the arrogant detached kind. Like me. So he would just be another fling, and there wouldn't be any attachment, any dilemmas, or any trouble.

How could I think like that? Boys aren't just objects I can select and discard.

Me and J slept together last night... in B's room. Hah. J kept saying he hasn't done anything before. He's never gone past a closed kiss on anyone. He learns fast though. He told me he loved me three times. I remember them. I didn't say anything back. He's just confused. You can't love someone just after meeting them. I woke up with him hugging me. I pretended I was still asleep.

Now I'm leaving my phone charging even though I know it's probably done. I'm going to sleep now. Even though it's only 4pm. I will tell myself I'm tired, but really I know it's because I don't want to face what he might say to me, or what might come out of this.