I'm in the middle of watching a movie, but a sudden idea occurred to me that popped into my dark and noiseless mind urging me to write it down. Or type it.
It feels to me like everyone around me has someone. Everyon has another being in which to share their actions and emotions and happiness with. I don't mean a lover. Maybe I do, but mainly I guess I mean a simple friend.
It feels to me that everyone in the world has been paired off, everyone in the world has been set with one another, and that there is an odd number, and I've been left out. And sometimes I wish I could have someone to talk to and be happy with and spend time with. It's not that I don't have someone to talk to, but....you know, it's different. I think I had a best friend once, but it feels rather far away. It feels like the life I once had is a dream, like someone else has lived it. It's strange how things change.
And sometimes I don't wish for that, in this moment I only wish that everyone could leave me alone. I want to be left completely alone. I'm already isolated, can't you see? I don't want anyone trying to help me, I don't want observers, I don't want your judgements.
And I was thinking to myself, if only I could be left completely alone. I don't want any fragments of people's lives, I don't want a portion of your feelings. Don't tell me you know me.
I only want to be left alone. Inside my mind, with my books, my games, my horrid mind and lonliness, where once I thrived. Where once my soul knew no sadness, and I was content in being alone, left to scoff at the world for its pitiful ideas of love and friendship. I was whole. And I'm left to believe that perhaps I'm meant to be alone. Perhaps I'll never be satisfied by any other person and that by being left alone, I can at least suffer a little less. Because even there I was not content. It's like a game, it's like I'm trying to get to the other side, always trying, but once I get there I find it's not at all what I wanted, and that all I want to do is go back. It's a neverending vicious circle that I'll never see the end of. I'm dissatisfied and restless. I am so restless.