In love with a boy.
Someone I'll never be with.
A different friend called a chronic extrovert today. I guess that's a compliment, that I'm friends with all sorts of different people. And it wasn't meant be an insult, just that he (and a lot of people) noticed I'm always around people, and in some ways I have to always be around people. This other time, another friend asked if anything was wrong when I was only a bit quiet, apparently because "I'm always so happy and bubbly." She also referred to me in third person, saying "if Max is upset, then I've lost faith in humanity." While this double standard for me isn't a bad thing, it can be emotionally draining at times because I'm constantly expected to be happy, expected to be everyone's friend, expected to be so many things for so many people.
Don't get me wrong. I've got a whole bunch of amazing friends. Guys and girls included. So diverse and so funny and supportive in all sorts of different ways. And I love them to bits. But sometimes I'm a bit sick of being everyone's friend. Only a friend. Just always a good friend.
So went out for drinks tonight. And I haven't had a major crush on anyone in ages. Because I've become so good at controlling myself, or suppressing these emotions, even when I've come out. But there's this beautiful boy, a good friend of mine, let's call him J. He's straight I know, but he's just so cool. Thinks I'm really funny, says I'm awesome, and just a general good guy. And tonight he comes up to me, and starts talking about this chick he likes. And I don't really have a huge crush on him, I'm not head over heels for him - just that it can be frustrating knowing I can only ever be a friend to any straight guy who I might be attracted to. Like, a girl might be attacted to a close friend of hers, and there's always that potential they might like each other - but for me it'll never happen with a close friend. Anyways, he's so cute talking about how much he likes this chick and he's so whipped not knowing what to do so he can be with her.
And I give him genuine advice like I would give to any good friend. That kind of manly heart to heart talk. He says that's the best advice he's got so far, and that's enough to make me happy.
Because I've come to accept that my friends are amazing. They're awesome. But I'm not allowed to like them.
And writing about it never changes anything.
So I shouldn't write about it. Just so pointless. Just like all this I've written.
Time to sleep. The stars were so dreamy and so beautiful to stare at when I walked up my driveway. I think if I keep staring I could lose myself.