I had a strange realisation the other day that the majority of the people on here are closer in age to my nephew than to me. Which made me feel a little odd posting journals and things on here, but as lol-taire said in a journal a while back, this place is her diary, and I must say the same is true for me. It's where I come to get everything out.
To be honest lately I feel like there is a lot I need to get out. I am not very happy with myself or my behaviour, but for some reason I also feel that it is necessary, like I am on some sort of learning curve and I need to go through all this stuff in order to get to somewhere happy at the end of it. I am not sure if that is misguided though, because all this learning is just rather painful.
God I don't even know where to start trying to explain where I am right now. My life somehow seems to have come around to me going out drinking at gay bars and clubs about three times a week, getting absolutly plastered and scoring some random girl. All the while harbouring a massive crush on a girl that has no interest in me, and I have to say all this just leaves me feeling so empty and hollow.
Up until last night it was only myself I was hurting with my behaviour really, but there is a girl that I have a met a few times through friends, and she was out last night. She likes me a lot apparently. I ended up kissing her for the night and I honestly feel like a complete turd, areshole, cunt for it. It's not nice to take advantage of someone. But thats what I did, I took advantage of the fact that she liked me for my own selfish reasons as opposed to having genuine feelings for her.
I just don't really know who I am anymore. I fucked up college this year and am spending my summer repeating, and I was too hungover to go pay my repeat fees on time so now I have an extra charge ontop of that too. I really just don't know how to describe myself or what I have become anymore.
I feel guilty, ashamed and disgusted with myself. Yet for some reason I still wouldn't go back to being the me of last year who was almost completely in the closet with no gay friends or gay life.
Honestly all I would really want is a nice girlfriend who I like and likes me back, maybe one fun night out a week and some normailty back to my life because right now things are insane and I have a horrible feeling I am on some sort of collision course for a nasty wake up call.
This all sounded quite rant like and I stillhaven't expressed what I was trying to.
I am a mess.