That is, after I watched the Season 1 finale of Queer as Folk just now. Although I'd seen it before, it hit me a hundred times harder the second time around. I was BAWLING! It's a big deal to me when I bawl - I hardly ever do, and other than a few tears, I've never full-on, hardcore cried during a movie/TV show.
The finale made me realize how blessed I am to be gay. I know there are some kids on this site who are feeling the exact opposite right now - I did, too, once. I didn't want the burden of being different and being alone and sometimes even being hated because of this strange thing called a sexual orientation that just seemed to come out of left field and instantly change my whole life.
But now that I'm a few years older and (hopefully) a few years wiser, I feel like everything has gone topsy-turvy since then. Being different is a plus, now - my different viewpoints and feelings and thoughts make me feel independent and strong. In demand, really. People need other people who are different. A spider can't build a web out of strands that all face the same direction.
And I certainly don't feel alone anymore. No, I'm not quite in college yet, so I don't have a crowd of LGBT friends or anything, but I've realized that we do have an amazing community out there that's just waiting to have me and make me feel like I belong to something bigger and more important than myself. It's filled with all sorts of characters with all different types of stories, but the thing that connects us is love, and very few groups can really say that.
Maybe it's because I don't live in Iran, but I even feel like the hate is, in the end, a positive thing as well. It makes us stronger; it moves us closer together. Just look at what vigor and spirit has cropped up out of the carcass of Prop 8. Somehow, the pain that comes with the hate makes all the other moments more special.
Tonight was a big turning point for me. I've known in my gut for a while now that I want to be a screenwriter, but the prosecution has been lacking the circumstantial evidence necessary to make a case. The truth is I've always been more of a book person than a movie person, but for some reason I knew from the instant I saw the screenwriting page on the USC website that I'd rather write a script than a novel. (And not just because it's shorter!) But tonight really showed me what film could do. As I was wiping the tears away, I just kept thinking, "This is what I want to do...this is what I want to show people...all this beauty..." I really do want to show people not only beauty, but also the beauty of our people that I was talking about earlier. It might sound tacky or maudlin or noxiously idealistic, but I don't care. This is what I want to do. I know that dreams can come true - after years of struggling, I've somehow been able to simply kick back and watch the events of my life fall perfectly into place over the past few months - and I'm going to work to make this one come true, too. The keyword there is work. Thank God that's what I'm best at.