i feel so strange right now. like i'm me, but not.

i don't want to read that txt. i don't want to know. i should. i shouldn't have asked. i shouldn't have said anything. i don't think she's ready, and i'm not sure if she'll ever be. i shouldn't push her like this.

but i'm not a girl right now. i don't know how else to explain it.

boi.

i love that word.

boi.

not one or the other, but both. both, together, in one body.

i just thought of a new tat.

the yin-yang symbol, but you know how there are the dots of the opposite color on either side? instead of those, i want two faces. instead of the black one (so, on the white/male side), i want a portrait of my face, but as a woman. on the black/female side, i want my face as a guy.

then around it, i want the phases of the moon. my editor, A, has this wonderful tat around her left bicept, it's i think 8 moons, in different phases. and on mine, the full would be on top, and i'd want it to have a sunburst behind it, like the sun was rising just behind the full moon.

or, depending on the tat artist, i might screw the little faces, and go with something more simple, like a moon/sun, or male/female symbols.

i'm not sure where i'd get it, though. maybe on my back? on my shoulderblade? cause i'm keeping my back clear in the hope that someday, i'll have hte money to get my phoenix. but something on my shoulder wouldn't hurt...

hmm.....

you know, it's pretty amazing how much a couple of small changes change...everything. binding my chest and putting something that feels real between my legs. i was walking like a GUY. i could feel it, and i could see it when my neighbor didn't recognize me in the dark. :D

i felt so good, being out as a guy. as a boi. in drag. however you want to say it.

i'm so, so nervous that she won't ever understand, no matter how much she tries. i'm afraid that she won't, i dunno, support both sides of me? i keep thinking "don't be silly" but...the fear is still there.

at the same time, though, i'm hoping that she will be okay with it. that she'll GET it, and like it, even.

only now i feel like i'm pressuring her, by writing that. guh.

i've sent over 50 txts to her today. that's either frightening, or cool. :P

sorry if i don't make any sense...

BD