I'm just waiting to switch my laundry over before I go to bed. I only have 2 sets of scrubs and I have to clean them all the time. I am doing much better now. I go to bed at a reasonable time and eat food... get outside... I dunno, that stuff I wasn't doing before. Kay is back in town for the summer, then she is going back to school. I love her. I truly love her.
Amazingly enough I have been reading the bible everyday and praying. I used to never read the bible. It is a amazing book full of hopeful messages. My faith in god is definately stronger than it used to be. Especially since Kay's going through a bit of an episode with her bipolar.
I was so scared at first because I had no idea of what I was supposed to do or what it would even mean. I still am a little scared. I got a lot of answers though :) I spent a long time researching and calling health link to talk to nurses. I even called other clinics to get good resources and whatnot. I am a lot more confident now.
Before I did all of that, there was a lot of tension in our relationship. At least that is how I felt. She was very different; sometimes really depressed, other times, hyper and energetic. I was ignoring her symptoms and hoping the whole thing would go away (on a less than conscious level). I kind of just wanted things to go back to normal so we could live in our little world together again. I was a little selfish. I didn't want to "deal" with her, so to speak.
But one night I really hurt her feelings when she forgot about a date we set up. She went to a movie, but she did call me after the movie... I ended up loosing it a little on her about her forgetting our date. I did have a reason to be hurt, but everything was piling up inside me and I got really mad. I made her cry, so I decided to go to her place to talk to her. I think that is when things really started getting better.
She was pretty upset at me for being so harsh with her. I said things I didn't mean. I realized then that I was not dealing with my feelings or bening sensitive to her needs. I didn't know what her needs were and she didn't have a real concrete idea of what they were either. later I researched about bipolar.
The next day my therapist, which happens to be Kay's therapist/ friend, hinted that Kay and I should leave eachother because we are no good for eachother. But the truth is that we are. I often try to mould my love into what the bible considers love to be: patient, kind, not jealous, not quick to anger, unfailing, always hopes, never gives up etc.
and what my therapist had asked me to do did not fit in with that definition. so I went to a more gay friendly church to talk to the AWESOME pastor there. He is so nice.
He told me that he believes all relationships are fixable. He also told me that in relationships we must understand that the one I love will hurt me sometimes and I will hurt her. But we can choose to forgive eachother and try again. Also, the measure of a relationship is found when relationships go through tough trials like we are going through.
So we have forgiven eachother and things are okay. Also, I have a better understanding of what Kay is experiencing and what she expects and/or, needs from me and vice versa.