funny, i've used that title before. i'm not sure for what, but i'm gonna guess it was about R. this isn't.
my whole life feels upside down at the moment. EVERYTHING is changing. good changes, don't get me wrong, and ones i'm looking forward to and persued in the hopes that they would occure. but still, EVERYTHING is changing.
everyone has this idea that i'm so together, that i know what i'm doing with my life, that i have a Plan and Goals, and a Clue. but really, i don't. i'm just as confused and uncertain as any other kid. i'm just better at hiding it, i guess.
i'm afraid of so many things. of falling apart, and not having the people i have now to support me. i'm afraid that if i fall apart, it will ruin this amazing relationship i have with J, because i'm not sure if i can ask her for what i need. which is a pathetic reflection on me, not on her.
the honest truth is that i'm not used to, nor have i ever had, a healthy, open relationship. not the kind where you depend on each other for stuff, and talk about things, and are THERE for each other. Em and i were just too young, and R? i don't even want to think about that.
i feel like i have this one chance, this amazing chance, with an amazing girl whom i love dearly, and i'm terrified that i'm going to fuck it up somehow. i'm not to clear on the details of how, but i just have this fear.
she's having a sleep over tonight, with some of her friends, and while i'm definitly glad she's doing it (i think she needs it), at the same time i'm.....jealous? no, not really. i know the only reason i'm not there is cause, well, i'm not THERE yet.
but it brings up so much for me. and i know this sounds awful, but in my mind, she's always been One Of Them. the popular girls. the ones with a bunch of friends, and drama, and in the thick of things. and stereotypically, OOTs are also shallow, and i KNOW she's not. but still, it sticks.
and of course, i've always been hated and avoided by OOTs. at times, it was a matter of pride to be so detested. it was a badge of honor for them to not want to touch me, or sit next to me in class. but deep down, there was always that sense of a need to belong. not to BE one of them, but to be accepted by them on my own terms. i never was, of course, and i refused to change.
but there she is, in the epitome of OOTness, and i thought i'd never deal with this again. it's not her fault, not in the least. and there's nothing in the world that would make me love her any less; certainly not this.
but there it is again, this fear. that i won't belong. that yeah, she loves me, but that somehow, she expects me to be On Of Them,a nd i'm not. i'm NOT. i never can be. not cause i'm gay, or genderqueer, or any of that. i didn't belong LONG before i came out.
so i'm afraid that her friends won't like me, which i guess is pretty typical. i'm afraid that once i'm there, she'll realise that i'm somehow not who she thought i was, will see that i can't fit in with what she's always known, and i'm afraid that she won't like that.
i suppose i should have more faith. none of this is going to keep me from going, that's for sure. i've never looked forward to something more in my life......except maybe getting my braces off in 8th grade. :P i'm kidding!!! i love you, babe!
and i do. i really, really love her. i'm gonna do everything i can to keep from screwing up, and i just hope that if i do make a wrong turn, she'll be there to catch me before i fall.
and i really hope she has a good time tonight. :D i really wish i could be there.