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To Protect And Serve With Honor

bulldyke's picture
3 May, 2009 - 9:12am — bulldyke

i have this incredible drive to serve. to protect. at any cost. it comes from believing that i am truly not worth as much as anyone else. in my head, i know that's crazy sounding, but that's what i believe. i had it drummed into me from the time i set foot in public school.

but i HAVE to serve. i've been talking a bit with Icarus about butchness, and what we think of it, and how we see being butch, and chivalry and such, and for me, that's part of it. but i have this NEED to serve. my people, my country, my community. whoever.

firefighter. police officer. secret service agent. lawyer. political speech writer. marine/naval NCO.

put on the uniform and serve.

but at the same time, i want to be a rancher. i want to live in the hills, in the mountains, and live a carefree life. i want to spend my time in the saddle, with few if any companions. i want a warm cabin to go home to, and the satisfaction of having worked from dawn to dusk, and know that what i accomplished was done with my sweat and blood.

i'm so torn, sometimes. i want two different lives,a nd i don't see a way to have them both.

and now i have a gf to concider....a gf who wants to spend the rest of her life with me. and i'm not used to thinking like that. i'm not sure if i WANT to think like that....cause in the past, that only leads to heartbreak and misery. but i'll try. i'll try, cause i do love her. i just.....i'm not ready to dream like that. not yet. maybe not ever.

i'm in a weird, sad mood. pissy, a bit. on edge. i dunno. i kinda want to tell everyone to fuck off, for no reason. i just want to be alone, and have my book, and sleep. ah, blessed sleep.

BD

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3 May, 2009 - 10:17am — Tophat
Tophat's picture

Bull, no! please, don't put

Bull, no! please, don't put yourself in danger... I don't think we could lose you, Jmy and I...

Think of jmy and I, or even just jmy if i'm not important enough. Serving destroys relationships, and those who serve smetimes never come home, even if they physically do.

I can't imagine that beautiful voice of yours silenced forever...

I can't stop you but please reconsider. Don't break anyone's hearts, Big Sis.

If you wanna protect, protect jmy. Don't let anyone hurt her. use this drive for her.

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"You are too charming to go in for philanthropy, Mr. Gray- far too charming"

-Lord Henry Wotton, Oscar Wilde's The Picture of Dorian Gray

3 May, 2009 - 11:03am — jmy
jmy's picture

The thought of you being in

The thought of you being in a dangerous job scares me so bad,
but at the same time, i know its what you want.

Remember what i said babe: I cant promise you forever, but i can promise you today because i dont know what may happen tomorrow.

Yes i think of us together and growing old together but babe, at the same time, i know that scares you :)

So forget forever, just give me today.

How can i promise you forever, when i dont know what forever is?
But i kno what today is and today you have my heart and if tomorrow, im alive, ill promise you tomorrow.

I love you,

3 May, 2009 - 11:09am — Tophat
Tophat's picture

I'm crying,

I'm crying, cripes...

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"You are too charming to go in for philanthropy, Mr. Gray- far too charming"

-Lord Henry Wotton, Oscar Wilde's The Picture of Dorian Gray

3 May, 2009 - 11:27am — jmy
jmy's picture

tophat, dont cry :) its all

tophat, dont cry :)
its all going to be just fine.

3 May, 2009 - 1:43pm — bulldyke
bulldyke's picture

tophat, little bro... i know

tophat, little bro...

i know where you're coming from. i understand you're fear. my mom, my whole family, really, feels the same.

but don't you think i understand that? don't you think i KNOW all that? don't you think i KNOW that i might not come back, in part, or in whole?

but i HAVE to! don't you see? there's so, so many more people in hte world than just you and jmy. of COURSE i love you, and her, and a lot of other people. i don't ever want to leave you guys, but to me, there's a much bigger picture to see. to me, if i can save just one life, just one life, that is worth sacrificing my own life.

i'm sorry....i don't mean to sound like i'm yelling. it's so frustrating, though, to hear someone i love wanting me to give up such a huge part of who i am. i hear it day in and day out from my mom and my dad. all the time. constantly "why would you do that? why can't you have a SAFE job? why can't you do something normal? we just want you to be safe. we love you" as if that's worth more than another parent who's little kid gets trapped, or kidnapped, or lost. as if they are more important than anyone else.

they're RELIEVED that i'm moving to australia. they're relieved that i'm doing something 'sane' and 'productive' with my life. cause to them, compaired to working toward becoming a seasonal wildfire fighter, moving halfway around the world does sound sane.

i hate it. i'm NOT THAT IMPORTANT. yes, to you, to my beautiful girlfriend, to my parents and other friends. of course, but why on earth are THEY so special? why are they so special as to get to hold me back because THEY love me, when i could do so much good and save so many others?

i know there's a price. there's always a price. lonliness and broken hearts are just the beginning. i will see death. i will smell it, perhaps even cause it. but that is not to high to pay. it's not. not even if i die....or if i have to live til i'm 90.

Bulldyke
to see a world in a grain of sand
and a heaven in a wild flower
hold infinity in the palm of your hand
and eternity in an hour
~William Blake

3 May, 2009 - 1:48pm — jmy
jmy's picture

i dont know if im hurt or

i dont know if im hurt or not. i thought i was special, i have no intention to ever hold you back, i said thats its something you love to do and i cant stop you from doing it.

3 May, 2009 - 2:05pm — bulldyke
bulldyke's picture

you're special to ME. of

you're special to ME. of course you are! i love you.

Bulldyke
to see a world in a grain of sand
and a heaven in a wild flower
hold infinity in the palm of your hand
and eternity in an hour
~William Blake

4 May, 2009 - 11:17am — Tophat
Tophat's picture

I understand... I just don't

I understand... I just don't want to lose you.

I can support whatever you do, Big Sis. I respect this desire.

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"You are too charming to go in for philanthropy, Mr. Gray- far too charming"

-Lord Henry Wotton, Oscar Wilde's The Picture of Dorian Gray