i have this incredible drive to serve. to protect. at any cost. it comes from believing that i am truly not worth as much as anyone else. in my head, i know that's crazy sounding, but that's what i believe. i had it drummed into me from the time i set foot in public school.
but i HAVE to serve. i've been talking a bit with Icarus about butchness, and what we think of it, and how we see being butch, and chivalry and such, and for me, that's part of it. but i have this NEED to serve. my people, my country, my community. whoever.
firefighter. police officer. secret service agent. lawyer. political speech writer. marine/naval NCO.
put on the uniform and serve.
but at the same time, i want to be a rancher. i want to live in the hills, in the mountains, and live a carefree life. i want to spend my time in the saddle, with few if any companions. i want a warm cabin to go home to, and the satisfaction of having worked from dawn to dusk, and know that what i accomplished was done with my sweat and blood.
i'm so torn, sometimes. i want two different lives,a nd i don't see a way to have them both.
and now i have a gf to concider....a gf who wants to spend the rest of her life with me. and i'm not used to thinking like that. i'm not sure if i WANT to think like that....cause in the past, that only leads to heartbreak and misery. but i'll try. i'll try, cause i do love her. i just.....i'm not ready to dream like that. not yet. maybe not ever.
i'm in a weird, sad mood. pissy, a bit. on edge. i dunno. i kinda want to tell everyone to fuck off, for no reason. i just want to be alone, and have my book, and sleep. ah, blessed sleep.