i don't even know where to start. i don't want to write, but i'm afraid of what'll happen if i don't. stupid, stupid, stupid.
how do i always manage to screw everything up? everything i touch seems to go bad, eventually.
i just managed to push away the one good thing i have going for me, and all i can do is wonder "is this the time that she's going to figure out that i'm not worth it?"
i don't know how to make it right. i don't know anything, it seems. all i keep doing is screwing things up. "you have more walls than anyone i've ever known" she said. or maybe it was dated. does it matter?
i just wind up pushing her away, just like i do everyone else. cause at heart? i don't think she really wants me close by. especially not when i'm like this. i think that i have to be strong all the time, and not let her see me....emotional. even though in my head, i know that's a load of shit.
i want her to stay, i want her to leave, i want it all to go away.
my mom is being so awful right now, because her stupid recital is coming up, and she's flipping out, and has been for weeks. she's horrible. she makes wild accusations and can't remember ANYTHING. she's normally a bit harebrained, but this is beyond the pale. it's awful. you can't have a conversation with her. you can't be in the car wtih her.
it's so stressful,a nd on top of it? she expects me to sit through hours of little kids pounding away at an instrument that i detest, so that i can listen to five minutes of her playing teh same instrument that i STILL detest, and she expects me to pretend to enjoy it.
i get that that's what she did for me for 18 years, i get that i'm being kind of unfair by whining about doing teh same thing, but ya know what? there's a reason i'm not ready to have kids yet. there's a reason i don't have any younger friends, and why i don't hang around little kids too much. i hate doing this sort of thing. call me selfish, call me selfcentered, but i hate it. i hate lying to her, and smiling when i want to gag.
i'd rather tell her the truth, but she's told me outright that she doesn't want the truth. she wants me to lie. to pretend. it rips out little parts of me to do that. i'm not good at it, and i don't wnat to be. i detest lying, and i hate that hse's asking me to be a liar so that seh feels good.
i'm so over the recitals. i'm so, so over it. i hate it. i'm only going cause it'll be worse if i don't. she's so pissed about last time, and i can't tell her why. i can't.
so now i'm taking it out on the one really good thing i have going for me, for reasons that elude both of us.
she's back, she's talking to me, she says she won't leave. it scares me that i believe her.
and that, as stephen colbert would say, is tonight's word. Screwed Up.