I don't want to be stuck in this same cycle. I hate being in the revolving door with her (metaphorically) as far as me and B go. It just doesn't work. I mean it is how we are. Freshman year we were totally into one another, we talked all the time. Hung out a few times, and she kissed me. It wasn't my first kiss or her's. But it was still special.
We are just a holding pattern, like a bookmark, saving the page where we are to pick up later. And I don't like it. I don't think we've really made progress between this time and teh last. She doesn't really want a relationship. And I do. I totally still have feelings for her. And she ... idk. I don't know what she has for me. She wants to be my friend even though we screw that up all the time. Maux's gf asked if B and I were dating today. That was slightly awkward. I know that Maux and her gf don't necessarily like B and I like her. So.. that kind of makes it.. interesting. I don't know what my hang up with her is. She and I have this history and even though we don't have the best relationship I feel like I can talk to her about anything. Well, the important stuff like my family and it really bothers me when we aren't friends or when we aren't talking to one another (for long periods of time like we do). I just don't want to be that person that she goes to when all else fails. I really care about her. Even when people can't always see the good in her like O- O can't see that she's generally a good person and can treat me well, it's just that we are both afraid of getting hurt that we put up our walls. I use humor, and I think I kind of embarressed her at lunch. She uses violence (and I'm not proud of this at all, but I'm really attracted to the side of her that ... isn't attractive, the part of her that is overly aggressive and kind of bitchy). I hate that I like it. It's like my guilty pleasure.
Yeah, I'm just kind of feeling shitty because I want to be with her even though I know it's unhealthy and I should move on, but I can't. Not really at least. Because I've dated other people. I just haven't... obviously stayed with them. I want her to want me. Which I have a feeling that she does, but that she doesn't want a relationship even though she never has had a relationship. So I don't know what she finds to be so scary.
And the cake I baked for my psychology teacher, it went over so well. I took a few pictures. I can post them later. I don't get photobucket at school. I already emailed the pictures to him on his home account. xDD I feel so special and everyone is happy now that they've had awesome chocolate cake. I mean if the cake is called Damn Good Chocolate Cake, how could it be bad?