I am young. I AM YOUNG! Holy shit. No wonder my parents treat me like a sixteen year old. I AM A SIXTEEN YEAR OLD. I walk around thinking that I'm all enlightened because I can see how love and life can exist past the black and white world that society has created out of fear and the need to control our own destinies....but really I don't know shit! I am child because I THINK like a child. I don't see the needs of others. I don't think about their lives and their worries and how my actions affect them. I am too much caught up in my own world. Here I am stagnating because my parents don't let me do blah, blah, blah...they are trying to do what's best for me and I'm over here complaining. I should be helping and working with them not fighting them every step of the way. I just didn't see. It didn't make sense to me and my still teenage brain. Case in point: I don't think ahead. I just assume things are going to be taken care of for me. Like just because I gave my Dad the dates I needed to be taken to and picked up from Leadershape Camp doesn't mean he can devote the whole day to it. He needed times so he can do what he needs to do for his job and to raise money for our family. I should have though ahead and got the times straight for him weeks ago. Why do I do this? This isn't the first time either. Shit. What is wrong with me? No wonder he thinks I'm a little kid. I am so selfish. Also to add the the teenage angsty theme...
I am a cutter.
Well, I'm slowly rehabilitating...I barely ever do it....it is just when I feel so overcome with shame or guilt or whatever and feel like I have to punish myself to stop myself from feeling that way. The last time I did it was ....Christmas? That actually had to do with a conversation I had with my mother about being gay. Did not go well. But I'm not going to go into that. But...I don't plan on doing it it's just....I get caught up and can think about anything until I do it. Hopefully I don't give myself a tetnus. I mean it's not like I'm planning ahead enough to sterilize whatever I use. I started doing it when I was 16 and was first diagnosed with clinical depression (which I have a lot to say about too but not right now or today or whatever). Since then it has really died down and my cutting owning flares up like two times a year. Generally I can figure out something else to do. Cutting (in my own opinion...it's a big topic and different for everyone) is so passive aggressive. Not only are you doing something to punish yourself but for me it's like I'm try to get back out whoever or whatever I feel ashamed or guilty or whatever about by punishing myself in secret. Warped isn't it? It's not logical. Ack. It's embarassing too. That's why it's great that this journal is anonymous...huge questionmark pic haha. I can tell the truth and get it out and....be aware I guess. When you don't talk about it....you don't have to acknowledge it and it is easier to keep doing it. Bah. I need to apologize to my parents...my dad especially. I'll do it through e-mail I think. It's easier to get my point across. Then I will clean and bandage up my cuts and do the chores my mom asked me to do before she comes home....what a messed up journal entry....sorry about that guys....I had to write it down and put it out to the universe. If I just write it for myself it is still a secret.