There isn't really such thing as NORMAL... per say. People should get that. EVERYONE should get that.

So this evening I basically described to Nikki, what I jokingly referred to as, my "Emotional Journey" of the past few months. Because she's like me. We both shove down our feelings to the point of unfeelingness. I told her how I'd just shove them down, ignore them, feel them but choose not to interpret and process them properly and it got to the point where I barely felt anything at all. I recognized what I should've felt but didn't feel it, you know? It took years of practise to master, and only a month or so to completely undo. That's how she is. Then I told her how I decided it was time to "Make myself more human for this girl," and open myself up and I can't get back into the box. The box of controlled emotions. Here we go again with a box. Everything is put into one. She hasn't stepped out of the box yet, I think I scared her further into it. I warned her though, that my tale was not particularily pleasant. I won't write it in detail here. Anyone who reads my journals pretty much has the idea.

I came to an interesting conclusion. It was interesting to me anyways.

You know how sometimes something HORRIBLE with happen to you. Like you find out your girlfriend was cheating on you for your entire three year relationship, she taped you everytime you had sex, then proceeded to sell all the tapes on the internet?*** And you're sitting there and you're just NUMB.

Now, you know how when someone gets into a car accident and they just get WRECKED. They have devastating internal injuries, yet they don't feel a thing. This is because adrenaline courses through their veins, their bodies try to protect them from the pain. Eventually they come down from that high and things get messy but for a while they are fine.

I have concluded that when something emotionally wrecking or devastating happens to you and you feel numb and don't know why, it is because the impact of whatever has happened would be way too much for your mind and body to handle. The numbness and unfeeling is your body's way of protecting you from the emotional blows. Then you come down from that high, and things feel totally awful. But imagine if you didn't have that protection? Think about how horrible the feelings are when you stop feeling numb and think to yourself, "Wow, I'm feeling pretty shitty now but imagine what I SHOULD HAVE gone through earlier..." Thank your body. It saved you a little.

***This story didn't actually happen to me, fyi.