do you ever get that sick feeling that you're not the person everyone thinks you are? that you're everything everyone thinks you're not?

i feel like i'm a monster in my own skin sometimes. dr. jekyll and mr. hyde all over again. i want so desperately to do good, but i think i only hurt people. how do i know? how can i tell?

i feel sometimes like i'm not fit for human consumption. like my friendly face is just a facade, while on the inside, darkness rages. i don't understand it, i can't explain it. i feel as though i'm living a lie, a lie that runs so deep, i've even convinced myself.

i try to tell myself that that's not true. i am who i am, i know myself through and through. there are no dark corners, no secrets, but.....in the back of my mind, i'll always wonder.

i've been listening to kd lang a lot...it's probably not good for me. she makes me brood. but i love her music so much...it's hard to stop.

my aunt asked me again if she could join oasis, check it out and such. i told her no, again. i'm sorry. she could do so much good for everone here....but i'm too selfish. suspecting that R was on here....it really shook me up. i can't do that again. i can't be looking over my shoulder.

i'm seriously self hating right now. i feel so, so awful about this afternoon. i did EVERYTHING wrong....and i NEVER get it wrong like that. not ever. cause i hate this feeling.

i just want J to be home. i need to take my mind off of it. i want to cry. i want to curl into a ball and disappear. i don't think i'll ever be ready for anything....but i HAVE to be.

i watched 5 episodes of Extreme Engineering tonight...but there was new camera work in the 6th, all sorts of "fancy" crap with cranes and copters, and upside down shots,a nd hey! it makes me sick to my stomach! even now, if i move too quickly, i get nauseus again.

i talked with hell tonight, and to my aunt M. it was good....but it's not J. most days, she's the only one i want to talk to. she's the only one who makes me feel human...like i'm not living a lie.

i want to cry, but i can't. too many years of listening to my parents duke it out and trying to stay quiet...as soon as the tears start to come, i choke them down. i can't help it. i don't mean to, it just happens.

i'm going to give myself a headache if i keep typing in the dark like this. my eyes are already tired. my whole body is tired. she'll tell me to go to bed, but i can't. i can't sleep, i can't think, i just can't. the thoughts in my head are too loud to sleep, and too nasty to think.

i want to be with her so badly right now it hurts. i need to feel her. i need my arms around her. i need her to tell me that i'm not all darkness inside. i need some kind of light...

oh, fuck this. it's not helping.

BD