Yes, I'm talking about cheating.

I told myself I would never cheat. Now I understand it's not so easy.

So the story:

I'm starting to have stronger feelings for my boyfriend (Halfcast Boy). But relationships work in such a peculiar way, two people like each other, but there's a delicate balance otherwise there will be a power imbalance. The ideal goal is to love each other more and more, but not really love the other person more than they love you or that will make you vulnerable. I don't want to be vulnerable.

We almost had sex last night. We had a "partydate" - we went to his friend's party together. At the party he tried to introduce me to too many of his friends at once and at first it got a bit overwhelming. Anyways, after the party finished we stayed the night and slept in the same room and we were making out... I didn't know how far he wanted to go. But then he started unbuttoning my shirt, then my pants. After a while I asked him, and he answered "Whatever you want". He said whatever I wanted, but that doesn't mean that's what he wanted. It seemed like he was putting himself out for me... He seemed uncomfortable, and we've only been going out for a week. He would've, but I didn't. I didn't ask him for sex.

He's out clubbing tonight, right now.

I know he really likes me.

Today's been a weird day. I forgot about Dunedin Boy, and was in town this afternoon. I was texting Halfcast Boy at the train station while waiting for some friends when suddenly, Dunedin Boy texted me asking where I was and that he was up in Auckland and wanted to 'meet up'. And I missed him, I almost craved a bit of him. I knew he was coming up (without knowing precisely when, we keep things casual), but I was tired of waiting and I asked Halfcast Boy out a week ago. Dunedin Boy just suddenly came up like that without proper 'warning', expecting me to 'meet up' with him. It was spontaneous, it was wrong, but I teased the idea and thought it exciting.

I told myself I would never cheat. Now I was faced with a dilemma.

I was texting Halfcast Boy and Dunedin Boy at the same time. And that feeling was very... strange. Halfcast Boy (my boyfriend) was cute, using smileys, exclamation marks, talking about trivial and 'cute' things while being oblivious that I was making a choice. Dunedin Boy's texts were short, asking what I was doing, how long I'm free for, where I was, etc. Dunedin Boy sounded detached. The feeling was odd - I was texting two people I liked at the same time with such different personalities and one not being aware of the other - and me being in control having to make a choice. Two boys I wanted at my fingertips and all I have to do is say yes. It really really felt strange.

And I really wanted to meet up with Dunedin Boy. I told myself we'd probably hang out, but really I was in denial about what was bound to happen - and for a moment I even fantasised about the kissing and the sex - until I could compartmentise that thought. I could have them both, and I tried to find reasons to justify it.

I had a birthday dinner to go to tonight, but I thought I could still meet up with Dunedin Boy. I made a choice, then I went to the train station toilets...

AND...

As I opened the toilet door, I saw my boyfriend Halfcast Boy standing there doing his hair. And I was dumbstruck, I was texting him a while ago - and I thought he was at home - and it's almost like he teleported there by some form of divine intervention... due to karma, or to be some kind of sign.

He took a train to town without telling me, as a little surprise to see me (kind of). I went to my birthday dinner and saw him afterwards.

My friend once said - 'You win some you lose some'. I really wanted Dunedin Boy but some things you want happen when you don't want them to. It was temptation versus doing the the right thing. My friend also said "Dunedin man is a player and lives far away, and your boyfriend really likes you".

Right now, Halfcast Boy is having fun clubbing in town.

And thank God I'm at home right now. When I made that choice before going to the toilets I told Dunedin Boy I was busy tonight. You're reading this right now because I'm not off somewhere else fucking him.

I can't control my thoughts or my feelings
But I made the right choice.