usually, when this many things aren't going how i want them to, i get depressed. or, at least, that's how it's always been. but now? for whatever reason, i'm happy. i'm content. i'm looking forward to my future, and at least right now, i feel...stable. happy.

my room is a mess, but for the first time in a while, i'm feeling like i might clean it up. the wonders of getting up before noon.

i hate the time difference. cause i want to stay up all night talking to her, but at the same time, i want to sleep at night and be up during the day. ce la vie, or however the hell you spell that. i don't speak french, and i CERTAINLY don't write it.

i'm not like most people. or at least, i don't think i am? when i'm upset, i don't want people telling me that i didn't do anything wrong. i don't want the pep talks that others seem to need. do they really help you guys? i hate them. i just need to think things through in my head, and write it down if need be. i process it, and then once i've decided exactly how i feel, THEN you can tell me i'm being stupid. it's not that i'm beating myself up, it's just that i have to think things through. i'll get really quiet, and reclusive, and it's not that i want to be alone (though sometimes i do), it's just that i need time to think.

she was so wonderful last night. i'm afraid it seemed like i was pushing her away, but that's not it at all. pep talks just make me angry and more upset. no one ever says anything in them that hasn't already occured to me. i just need time to process it...and being told what i already know ALWAYS pisses me off.

she made me laugh. i was so, so angry, and she made me laugh. she said "it breaks my heart to hear you cry" and then she made me laugh.

i love her so much. she might not know exactly how my head works yet, but she wants to learn. i'm still afraid sometimes, that when she sees how i am when i'm angry, when i hurt her by pushing her away, that she'll decide it's not worth it, and she'll run, but...i'm trying to not think about that too much. i'm trying to have faith.

i have this pic open that she sent me, of a new dress she bought...and she's going to read this, and get how she gets, but have i mentioned recently how much i LOVE curves??

she is SO gorgeous, and sexy as hell. OH my god, she's beautiful. you have no idea...

:D

BD