So for no apparent reason lately, I've been thinking about my childhood and how much it...well...sucked ass. lol I mean, like I've said before, I HATE whining...but I think now's the time to get it out. Let others see what my...world was....and what it is now...
I guess that looking back, all the hell that I went through in school was sort of a terrible...cyanide laced treasure. I wouldn't be as strong as I am now if it weren't for the evil bastards who thought it was funny to call me names and shove my desk into my gut as I was writing. I moved to this town when I was 6, so right at the start of first grade, but ALL of my classmates knew each other from kindergarten. So i was the immediate odd one out. And well...Eugene...that swine of all swine...the ringleader as I so affectionatly call him...decided he'd have some fun for the next 8 years. I mean, the first time he ever physically hurt me was not fun at all. I was ganged up on by a whole group of boys on the playground in 3rd grade...they pinned me to a chainlink fence and lifted me off the ground and proceeded to beat the shit out of me. (nice right?) and that was...horrible because I got in troubel for ANTAGONIZING them. take notes, ladies and gents.
But whatever. I never fought back..i sort of believed that I was worthless. A loser. A freak. And to a degree I embraced that, because at least I wasn't invisible, right? I had a label. And even when Eugene and his cronies would throw dimes at me and leave welts upon my skin...I smiled and ignored them. the problem was that I went through 6 principals in 8 years. So nothing was ever done. I would go to the administration pretty much 4 times a week and they would call them down each and every time. talk talk talk. and let them go. And I would sit in class and as they made their way to their seats, the would smile at me and whisper sweet little threats and tales of how much they "love being my friends"...god how they made bile rise in my throat.
I remember in 7th grade...we were in yet another one of those anti-bullying assemblies and I was sitting there in anger. I knew it was all lies...help kids like me. HAH! I wanted to spit in the speaker's face. And then as I made my way out of the gym, a foot comes out and I trip. My head almost hit the metal locker...an inch..less maybe. And I slammed down on my knees and looked up in panic. Eugene and Chris...their eyes gleamed as they smiled down at me. They laughed when they turned away to walk to class. I can remember just sitting down on my knees...and staring at the locker in front of me. And wishing beyond all reason that I could die. Just the thought very calmly passed over my mind "Wow...it would be nice...because this...isn't working for me..." just like that.
I didn't actually try to kill myself until the winter of 8th grade. And I picked a very nasty way to go too...lol...I was just about to jump into the frozen lake...like...i was on the railing, and then my ipod died. I stared at the blank screen and the silence hit me. I lookeda round and at the ice below me...and realized that my grandma was probably making cookies or something for me...for when I got home. I wondered what my dad was doing...what my little sister was doing...and I just got down. And I walked slowly home...just...counting the lines in the sidewalk.
High school is a blessing. almost every day, a moment hits me when I look around and I see people. My friends. FRIENDS. I have people always saying hi to me in the halls, wanting to hang out after school, wanting to sit with me in the caf. And sometiems I leave and go to the bathroom to cry...and for the first time I cry because I'm happy. My principal in my high school, on the FIRST DAY, called the boys down and told them point blank: you go near that girl and I will have you arrested. don't say a word to her, don't look at her, you don't deserve to.
I love that man lol XD
And I...know what it's like to love and to live and to feel free. I literally say FUCK YOU to those who don't like me for who I am. I hold my arms up to the sky and I scream sometimes. I Scream and I dance around and I love who I am and what has happened to me. I embrace the hatred that darkened my days and I release my heart so that there can be light in the new day.
"Life can only move forward when there are no more tears to shed."
and yea...so my rant is done...and i feel lighter...and if you're still reading this then...wow..i applaude you hahahaha i didn't mean for it to be THIS long...wow...and to think taht this isn't even half of my life hahahahaha