so...i'm starting to realise that R fucked me up pretty bad, in ways that i'm only just starting to see.

i don't regret anything...not a thing. but....well, i'm a bit fucked, ya know?

i feel like my heart has been ripped out and torn into little tiny pieces. and every time i start to heal, she does something else.

but i love her, i really do. and i made a promise that i'd enver leave her. and i'll stick by that, because....because it's my duty. and i don't mean that in the way 'duty' is used today. it's not a burden, it's an honor.

so i'll stick by her, no matter what...but i'd like my heart to heal a bit, too, ya know?

cause right now i'm so raw. right now, i never want to be in love again. i never want to feel like that, not even the good things. cause it seems that with the good is always the bad, and i just don't wnat it anymore.

but at the same time....the part of me that ISN'T hurting, wants it all. wants happiness, and love, and rainbows and flowers, and all the things i had with R, only so, so much more.

so i dunno. i want to run from the people who might make me feel. i don't want to hurt them, hurt her, but....i can't. not yet, maybe not ever.

i feel sometimes as though i'll never heal. i know i can, but....i dunno. it's like, sometimes, not seeing the light is better than seeing, and knowing there are shadows.

i have this ache inside of me, that i don't understand. i don't understand it at all. sometimes it's good, and sometimes it's not, and i just don't know.

i want to stop hurting. mostly, i have, but then i think something, or hear something, or feel something, and it all comes rushing back.

and i'm so afraid. terrified of that pain. i'm willing to forgo all happiness to avoid that pain.

maybe someday that'll change. maybe i'll heal and forget, and want happiness again, despite the risks. but not yet. please, not yet.

BD