I just spent the last hour or two listening to some pretty messed up songs. Not what I intended to do tonight but that's what happened. Has anyone listened to the band Otep? The lead singer of the band is a women and based on her songs and things I've read she's been through some really shitty things in her life. Her songs are lyrically what I like. They are pretty powerful and very meaningful but wrapped in heavy metal. Her songs are about some of the terrible things she's been through one of which was being raped by her dad when she was young. It's pretty hard to get through because I had a friend who told me she was molested when she was young. It sort of reminds me of her and people I've heard about. We hear about this stuff all the time nowadays and I'm just thinking, while I listen to her songs, Why are people so fucked up? God. What the fuck is wrong with people that they have to abuse little kids or abuse people period?

To have to carry something like that with you for the rest of your life. I just, I can't even begin to imagine what that's like. It's so sick. And twisted. I hate the fact that people, friends, strangers have to go through shit like this.

I wish that when my friend told me about her past that I had the words to say to comfort her. But I remember I was stunned and I didn't have a clue how to react or what to say. I first met her years after all the abuse stopped. She revealed her past to me pretty soon after we became friends. I just regret never knowing what to say. I remember feeling really bad about everything and even though it was years after everything it was clear that these things still affected her. She'd been molested by a family friend, beaten by her uncle, abandoned by her mom, and later abandoned by her dad. She was raped by someone she knew which she made a point to tell me that most of the time people are raped by people they know not strangers. Another thing I did not have words for. I mean what do you say to someone when they tell you things like that? Especially when you're someone like me that's bad with words to begin with.

Now it's been about 3 or 4 years since I last saw her and she's in another part of the country. I reconnected with her through Facebook and she seems to be doing better than she was a few months ago. She's out of the shelter and she's got a boyfriend. But she also has a baby on the way. I don't really know how she's gonna deal with that. I can only hope that she can give that kid a better life than she had.

It's too late at night to reminisce. Especially when back then I was going through the worst period of my life. Compared to her's it's nothing but for me it was horrible. These are really not the things one should think about right before going to sleep. :/