It is currently 4:30 PM... and if I had boots on, I would be shaking in them, because, to be completely honest, I am scared. It has been nearly a week since I admitted the truth to myself, that I'm not the person everyone else thinks I am.
I should start at the beginning, since that is where most things start. (sarcasm.. =p) When I was a little girl, my cousins and I got along EXTREMELY well. We played house. A LOT. I normally played the Dad... But anyways, It got to the point, when I was seven or eight, when we became closer. One day I remember in particular.. I was watching a movie with my closest in age cousin in my mom's room, because the adults were all downstairs and we wanted to watch a movie. So we climbed into Mom's bed and watched Mulan. We were basically snuggled up to each other, and she kissed me on the cheek. I remember blushing and kissing her on the cheek back.. but that's where the memory ends.. after that, I remember going downstairs to ask mom if my cousin could borrow a shirt.. why, I do not remember. But, I have a strong feeling that she and I did some things little girls should not know about yet...
A few summers after that experience, another cousin and I were playing with one of her friends with whom we had been camping with. We were playing in my Grandparent's motorhome, and my cousin wanted to play house. We divided up the roles. I, of course, was the Dad, while my cousin was the Mom and her friend was the big sister or something. My cousin and I decided to "go to bed," and we got in the big bed in the back and went under the covers. I believe this was the time that we kissed, and started "making out," which consisted of.. for some odd reason.. licking each others cheeks. Don't ask, please... haha. We never went any father than that, but it was just another one of those experiences that stick in your mind.
Between the ages of 11 and 14, I had no other experiences of the sort. I went through the whole "obsessed with boys" stage.. but it never felt really...... right.
Something I would like to share is an experience I had in eighth grade during choir class. I sing soprano, and another girl who also sang soprano, we'll call her Celine (no, not Dion.. *eyeroll*), had recently gotten her belly button pierced. I was curious, and she had low riding jeans and a shorter t shirt on. She was standing about a yard away from me, while I was sitting in my chair. She stretched, and I had turned around for who knows what reason, maybe to look at her, and I caught a glimpse of the belly button ring and the tanned skin of her flat stomach. I guess I kind of let out a little gasp or something, and she looked over at me, blushed, and pulled her shirt down, then went back to talking to her friends. I, at that time, did not know what to make of my reaction to her.. I was attracted to her, and I had never really thought of myself as being attracted to women.
Fast forward to tenth grade. My best friend and I had been friends for just about a year, though it was more of a relationship than a friendship if you saw it from the outside. We spent a lot of time together, and we were extremely close. She was the first person I would really talk to in the morning, and the last person I talked to at night. I wasn't really attracted to her, at least I don't think I was. But during that year, on MSN, she said she wanted to start doing these "stories" involving various guys she had crushes on. It was one of those roleplay stories, you know? And I was always the guy. I have to admit.. I was kind of upset, but to be honest with myself, I liked it all the same. So, while doing these stories, they turned into sexual "adventures," I guess you could call them. I was fine with that, though I was getting frustrated that she wanted to do one almost every night, and we weren't really talking to each other anymore at night, it was only the story. But I kept going, and I didn't put up much of a fuss. One night, while I was spending the night at her house, we were laying in bed, talking about the story we had done the night before.
She said that she wouldn't mind trying one out in real life, if I didn't. I was hesitant, and nervous, because I had no idea what I was doing. She had turned over onto her side, and took my arm and put it around her. I moved closer to her, and then she kissed me. I guess that threw me off guard, but I went along with it. We basically went all the way that night.
Over the next year, the same things happened. And we slept together, having sex each time we slept over at each others house. I guess I really didn't think of it as losing my virginity, but now I feel that that is what it was. I had boyfriends during that time, but none lasting more than three days.. I suppose I was falling for her, but I wouldn't let myself believe that. One night, the last night we slept together, actually, she told me she had talked to a guy friend of hers who said that it sounded like we were both bisexual. She said she did not know what she was, and that she was questioning. I had been questioning this for several months by that time, and I asked her what she thought if I were to tell her I was bi. She laughed and told me "No, you are not bi." I brushed it off, but the comment stung and I didn't want to push it any farther.
We're not friends anymore, because of reasons that do not have anything to do with the topic I am talking about here. But, I know that my intrest in women has grown significantly over the past year.
I did have one boyfriend recently, last November through part of December. He is the only guy I have honestly ever made out with, and we did go quite a bit farther than that. I couldn't bring myself to have sex with him, though, and while he would have been happy with a blow job or something, I couldn't.... I think the mere idea of a penis (yes I said it..) repulses me.. though for some reason I don't have any problem seeing them.
SO, this brings us to the present.
Over the past month or so, I have developed feelings for someone.. she is intelligent, strong, beautiful, outgoing but shy in a cute way. She has an adorable smile, and I love how her hair covers her eyes sometimes and makes her look mysterious.. I love her laugh and how she makes me smile and.. ah.. just.. everything about her. Even now, I am realizing that I am falling for her. Hard. But I know she would not like me back, even if I told her. And yes, she is a lesbian, and being out is one thing that I admire about her. She has the courage that I lack... to come out into the world and be who I am. I suppose this is one way I am coming out.. one small step towards telling everyone who I am.
The thing that is holding me back, though, is the fear that one day soon I will change my mind. I do not want to revert to my old self, who stifles her affections for women under the cloak of love for men. I don't want to be that girl any more!!! I have spent a lot of time alone, meditating about all of this.. I need to figure out who I am inside... I feel empty, like a hollowed out shell, sometimes.
I also fear the fact that I do not completely know my orientation. I seem to have twinges of feelings for men, but could that be because society wants me to feel this way, and I feel obligated, or is it because I really do like men? I honestly am leaning more toward women. Maybe that is because I am more comfortable around them? I really don't know..
But I suppose that is enough rambling for my first post.. Sorry if I bored you to tears.