i'm half asleep still...sleepywarm, like my dad used to say when i woke up from a nap. warm and...just...warm. i feel like the cat they named me, relaxed, languishing in the simple pleasure of being. and really not thinking that much about it.

i want to fall asleep...i want to recapture that warmth again. but i can't sleep without blankets, which means i have to have my window open...and already the warmth is seeping away.

i want to cuddle with someone. hold her close, hear her heartbeat. i wonder what it is about a heartbeat that is so soothing...rhythmic, like the ocean.

it's so odd...i love being in the water. i'm not a strong swimmer, but...i just love being in the water. i nearly drowned when i was 5. stupid accident at a swimming lesson. they put me in the wrong class, and nobody noticed until i was 5 feet from the wall, had lost my kickboard, and was floundering. so now, i'm afraid of water. of drowning.

you know that poster, it shows the top of a glacier above water, and then the rest of it, bellow the surface? i can't look at it. it gives me the heebey jeebies like you can't believe. just thinking about it makes my stomach clench.

have you ever thought that on the other side of the equator, they see different stars? but the same moon. always the same moon.

"i see the moon and the moon sees me
the moon sees someone i'd like to see"

my mom taught me that, when i was a little kid. she told me that if i ever missed her at night, i should look out the window and find the moon, and sing it. and i did.

i sang it the night my dad walked out, when i was praying so hard he'd come back. and he did.

because everyone, or...almost everyone, stops talking to me eventually. i'm all sweet and caring for a while, then i have a bad day, and they don't take the hint. the hint to stay away from me, cause i'm angry, adn i'm MEAN when i'm angry. and i'm mean to anyone who's in my way.

so if i tell you to go away, it's not because i don't want you there. it's cause i want you to leave, so you'll stay.

in the long run, it's easier to be angry alone, than to lose another would be friend because i can't keep my temper in check. can't keep my stupid mouth shut.

ah well. it's sweet while it lasts, and the sweet promise of maybe is heady enough to get drunk on.

BD