HONESTLY MY LIFE SUCCKKKSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!
Honestly OKAY CAN MY LIFE GET ANY WORSE RIGHT NOW!?!?!?
I have enough shit to deal with with my due assignments @ school and the homophobia I get like ALMOST EVERYDAYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT MY PALM PILOT HAD TO GET FUCKEN STOLEN @ SCHOOL?!?!? WTFUUUCCCK!??!?! GODDDDDDDDD! OKAY WELL IT MIGHT GET FOUND BUT PROLLY NOT STUPID CRIMINALS IN MY STUPID SCHOOL I HATE THE HOMOPHOBIA I GET FROM HOME I HATE IT AND FROM CHURCH TOOO AHHHRGH. OMG I HATE MY LIFE SOMETIMES!!!!!OMG I HATE MY LIFE SOMETIMES!!!!!!!!( But...it's my life nonetheless...) I just feel like shit sometimes...not suicidal, but like shit, I'm used to hating myself. I think the only difference with somone who is suicidal is that they can't handle hating themselves. Ever since I was a kid I've hated myself so I'm used to it so I don't hurt myself or want to kill myself (just so you guy's don't get concerned)
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Comments
Well...
You can't stop homophobia, but you do decide how you react to it. I know it's optimistic to think otherwise, but if you have a negative reaction to homophobia, you can change that. You can feel empathy toward people who feel irrational hatred, or were taught that God hates, etc.
Wayne Dyer says "What you think of me is none of my business" and that's pretty appropriate. Not easy, but a direction to point in. If a band plays a concert in front of 20,000 people, there are 20,000 opinions on how the show was. Which is right?
I mean, you're unlikely to change the church being homophobic. So, your choices are to ignore it and just believe you are part of a flawed institution that gives you enough solace to put up with its flaws, leave the church and join a more inclusive congregation, renounce homosexuality and marry an ex-gay male, or give up on religion. The option you don't have, and the one you are experiencing now is just being a part of a homophobic organization. There is no change on that path.
So, stop seeing all of this as external. You experience hatred because you put yourself in places where it exists, but don't have a strategy to work with it. And you still don't have the confidence to ignore it as nonsense. Part of you hears negative things, and still feels there is some bit of truth there, even though you are part of the negative group being insulted.
As for the Palm Pilot, how could it get stolen? Did they break into your locker and take it (which you can't control, aside from not leaving it in there)? or did you trust too much and make it available to people?
Potentially the same issue. If you put yourself in a position to be hurt, why be surprised if it happens?
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"People who are happy are slugs... They do not move the human race forward."
-- Camille Paglia, on Oasis
i didnt hate myself
i just didnt want to deal with it anymore
Stupid thieves... in Arabia
Stupid thieves... in Arabia they'd have their hand cut off. Yeah, I hear the crime rates there are pretty low.
Anyway, I know what you mean about hating yourself but not being suicidal. I'm kind of the same way. Which might not make you feel better, but hey, you're not alone! I try to push the self-hate to the background or use it to motivate myself. I've never been suicidal, though.
What's missing is usually HOPE
It's usually not a person's self-hatred that powers suicidal impulses, so much as it is the overwhelming feeling of hopelessness, and the sense that you have no power to change things. Like Lastresort said, he just didn't want to deal with it anymore. But then he decided that there was hope, and that he could change things. Running away from home is an extreme way to change things, and not usually the one I'd recommend, but if you look at his circumstances, that was the only option he could see that was going to make his life better. Centerfielder08 has finally discovered that he has options, and is pursuing them now. As Jeff points out, we often think that we have no choices, and that everything just "happens" to us. It's a way of thinking we can get into that can be very difficult to break out of, and sometimes we grow so caught up in that mindset that we begin to believe that the only two options are either a lifetime of misery or suicide. With the exception of a tiny number of terminally ill people, however, those are NEVER the only two options. Finding the other choices in your own life can be a difficult and sometimes painful challenge, but trust me...it's worth doing.
HUGS,
Pat
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- Pat Nelson Childs
"bringing strong gay & lesbian characters to Sci-Fi & Fantasy"