Let's get one thing straight: I hate whiners. Plain and Simple. But that doesn't help me at all when I want to vent and I start feeling like a whiner. And thus...I begin to hate myself. Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, please! Explain why I can't help myself!!! No..I can't ask that of you...you don't even know me. I always have kids coming to me and saying that I'm so brave..I don't let anything hurt me...nothing can make Shiv bleed.....

But I'm always bleeding...I can feel it under my skin...like a giant bruise...and I hate it....and yet I love it because I feel like this persona identifies me. I don't know...when I think of what I endured those 8 long years at the hands of those kids that I had to call my "peers" (HAH! BULL-FUCKING-SHIT)...I want to throw myself down and scream and sob and kick and have a tantrum. But I can't.

Damn it..I'm whining...

How can I expect to move on when I can't even explain myself to strangers?...I want to spill my guts to you...tell you everything...try to make you understand what I feel inside....but then I hate myself!!! I'm weak! I'm weak and I hold up this armour around myself like a blanket and no one realizes that they can tear it down with safety-scissors for God's fucking sake!

Stop whining....But I want to....I want to explain to someone...anyone....I told my best friend everythign that those monsters did to me...and he ended up becoming so emotionally tied to me that he fell in friggin love with me. I hate myself for telling him those things...for letting him in...because I took his heart and put it in mine and now I can't make him take it back!!!!

I'm whining about not wanting to whine...heh...that sucks....Sorry I took your time....ug....