Life keeps getting better all the time. It's not like it was exactly very good to start with, but still getting better. You see I had what I suppose you could call an unhappy childhood. A very lonely one. It had nothing to do with my parents, they were great. I lacked social skills, and hence friends until I was about 13 or 14. I made up for this with being obsessive. I used to love maths and books and gameboys. The worst part is I never even realized how angry and sad and alone I was.
It seems strange but I really do pity my 10 year old self.
I was maybe 10 or 11 when I finally tried to have friends, stressing the tried. What I mean is attempting to befriend people but never succeeding. This was probably the worst part of my life so far. Kids really are cruel. Though I made a convenient target I guess; the fat uncoordinated kid with curly hair and glasses, excelling at maths but failing with people. I never really fitted in, not ever.
It was also about this time that I realized I was gay. Well no maybe that's going a bit far, but I started to notice other guys. It's not like I knew what to call it. By this time I was numb, or at least very restricted in my feelings. Maybe I was a bit better with the social skills by now, a bit. I was still very shy and introverted. And angry.
Then I went to high school, and nothing really changed. I had classes with most of the same people who'd made my life hell and they kept going. But after a while things began to change. I made a few friends, maybe not the best, but still friends. "You're so gay" was a common insult. I began to open up a bit, slowly. By this time I'd lost weight and I was taller. And yes I kept noticing the guys =).
By the time I was about 14 I knew I was gay, and what that meant. I started keeping a diary. At the beginning of 2007 everything changed. I came out to everyone, and got contact lenses and started straightening my hair and got proper friends. And I realized there were more interesting things to do than maths. I wasn't angry anymore. I began to let things in and open up more. But theres only so many years you can be told you're shit before you start to believe it.
At the end of 2007 I got into my first relationship. It was wonderful. Having someone tell me I was beautiful and that they loved me. But like I said inside I still felt like shit. I can never figure out the next part. Maybe him being so wonderful made me feel worse in comparison or maybe I wasn't ready to accept someone loving me. Maybe I let too much in too soon. Or something like that. Whatever it was I ended up very depressed. I couldn't take it, so I ran.
It would have to be the worst decision of my life. He really did care for me and I felt the same way about him. And he would have helped me through it, I know it. I really ended up hurting him and the guilt just made me feel even worse.
By the start of 2008 I was better and I'd learned something about how to be happy. And I kissed a boy, and I liked it. I was in a lot of relationships that year, not to mention a few other things that I wouldn't quite describe as relationships. And I learned a little about love, sex and the difference.
Just in the last year or so it just feels like things have been falling into place. And I guess all I can do is hope that things will keep getting better.
And if any one is still reading then I have serious respect for you, I never meant to write out my whole life story.