i hate my body. i hate it i hate it i hate it.

i hurt. my whole fracking body hurts. i don't want to sit up, i don't wnat ot walk, i don't want to fucking move. i just want to lie perfectly still, with a heating pad on my lower back, and one on my stomach.

i can't have coffee.

i can't eat anything fatty.

i can't have anything too sugary.

i feel like i'm going to throw up, only i wish i actually would, cause that'd feel better.

i'm moving so slowly, and EVERYTHING bothers me (even more than usual).

i just watn to curl in a ball and make everyone leave me alone.

i hate the fucking city. no, jeff, it's not a personal insult, and it's not all cause i'm PMSing. it's loud. it's crowded, it's UGLY. how can anyone think such a blight on the face of the planet can be beautiful?

this bay would be so, so breath takingly beautiful, if only we could remove all the buildings and people.

and have you actually seen the bay recently? how can we say it's beautiful when we have polluted it to an inch of it's life?

i know i sound like some eco-terrorist or something, but i'm not. it just galls me to think that *THIS* is what we think is beauty.

the sun sinking into blue, blue waters, that's beautiful. rainbows over redwood forests, that's beautiful. a tiny flower that manages to survive in a dence forest, that's beautiful.

but this? this is oppressive. this is ugly. this is crowded, and i hate it.

i hate being here. i can't wait to be home. i can't wait to be away from the noise and the PEOPLE. god, how can anyone stand to be so close to all those people all the time??? it makes my skin crawl.

okay, i know, i'm bitching. just....don't take it personally. actually, waht the fuck do i care hwo you take it? everyone else takes it personally, which is how i've lost half my so-called friends.

gah. fuck it. i feel like shit.

BD