i wish i could bottle up what i'm feeling right now, and give it to everyone who's in a dark place.

i wish i could hold up my heart and say "look at this. 4 years ago, i wanted to end this. i wanted it to cease it's beating. and now? now it beats for her, and i've never been gladder that i survived."

i want everyone to know that they can have that too. i want the kids, and the jaded lovers on here, the cynics, the romantics, the wounded ones, all of you, to know that it's worth it to survive.

i wish i could find words for it. i remember so much....everything that i felt. i remember wanting to die, wanting to cease to exist, because life wasn't worth it. there was no point, and it was just too hard. i remember the sweet sting of a knife cutting into my flesh, and the rush of pain that was such wonderful releif the the numbness.

i remember teh phone call. the horrifying moments before "she's okay. she tried to kill herself, but she's okay."

i remember begging "please don't kill yourself. i love you. isn't that enough? you love me. you can't kill yourself."

i remember my mother ranting at me, the fear choking her voice, because i wouldn't, couldn't get out of bed.

i remember kind words, and not being able to meet her eyes.

i remember.

and now? now i want to sing. i want to call every person who gave me a kind word, or a smile. i wish there were words for how thankful i am for all the people who forced me to survive.

because i am so happy right now. happy times infinity, to the millionth power. i am overjoyed. extatic.

she makes me so, so happy. and without all the baggage that i seem to always get. none of the guilt, or the begging. none of the silences, or being held at arms length.

babe, i am yours. i hope you're even a 10th as happy as i am...cause i'm over the moon. :D

BD