Now that we're here, it's so far away
All the struggle we thought was in vain
And all the mistakes, one life contained
They all finally start to go away
And now that we're here, it's so far away
And I feel like I can face the day
And I can forgive
And I'm not ashamed to be
The Person that I am today
Since the first time I heard those lyrics around (2 years ago, I believe) I loved them and I couldn't wait till the day came that I could actually relate to them, to be at that place and that frame of mind. And I think I'm there now. I really do.
God knows that I've made my fair share of mistakes and they finally feel like they are going away. They're not gone yet but they are fading. And honestly I'm not ashamed of who I am. I'm not sure if I ever was really ashamed of who I was sexuality wise, anyways. I mean, I remember being totally and completely accepting of myself when I first started questioning. At the very beginning I didn't think I could be gay but then once it became more of a serious thought I was really accepting and open to the idea because it felt like maybe everything finally made sense and everything sort of clicked.
Now, you're saying "Well, if you're not ashamed then why aren't you out?" That's not an easy question to answer or maybe it is. I personally don't want to deal with the drama of coming out to my parents (specifically my mom) right now cause I really don't know how she's going to react plus I have Zero support right now so if I chose to come out and they reacted badly I'd be really alone and no doubt depressed. We moved a few months ago and I don't have any real close friends or anything here. So, I'm still waiting for that seemingly perfect time to let the cat out of the bag and prepare for all hell to brake loose :P
But, yeah....back to the reason I started to write this journal I honestly think that my life is starting to come together piece by piece. I think. Life still isn't simple and everyday there's a fight in this place I call home. I still fight myself over the some of the small things. I still get depressed, I cry and I hate it, I fall apart over little things. And then I hate myself for falling apart over the "little things". But I think and hope that things are getting better.
I also accept that I am the flawed person that I am. Eh....There are things I need to work on as I am a work in progress. :P
Oh, here's the song from which the lyrics are from: