Lately it seems like everything is falling apart around me. I know I always say nothing really effects me, cause I know it will pass and I really don't care, but I'm starting to think everything has had a deeper impact on me. I'm starting to think it's been seeping in and it has just taken longer. The only thing that really has a direct effect on me is if I have a crush cause I go through major mood swings and shit.
The last couple of days I've actually started doing things and not just to do them, but because I actually want to. I didn't read for 3 hours because I was afraid of being bored, because I had nothing to do, but because I wanted to. And that's really all I've been wanting to feel in the past couple weeks, or months, or however long it's been since I've been in a fucking shithole. Just some passion for something, anything. This weekend was good. But at the same time everything around me is crumbling. Here goes a nice ranting.
My dad has been off work for a week or two and since he isn't working he goes down to the tavern a lot. My mom said she doesn't mind him going (they used to fight about it a lot) as long as he leaves the debit card and the car keys, cause she doesn't want him driving. He said okay! and was really happy about it but this weekend he went anyway with the car and debit card and we had to go get the car. This probably doesn't seem like a big deal, and really it's 1not, but everything is kind of building up and I hate yelling, and I hate constant bickering, and I hate hearing it. I hate it and these walls are too thin. I just like to turn the speakers up a bit louder to blot out the sound.
I'm really really REALLY glad I'm so independent because seriously if your best friend texts you and says "let's hang out" but then doesn't text you back it basically means, "oh yeah nevermind someone else got back to me." Which happens all the time. She just gets bored. I was just like haha ok o_o but was just like whatever, it's not like we ever hang out anyway. It feels like one of those relationships that old people have where they've been together so long like half their fucking life that they would never dream of a divorce because it's such a big change, and what would they do? They know nothing else. They are merely together because that is all they know. That's what it feels like to me. She tries too hard.
My really good friend thinks she has anxiety and I feel really bad I can't help more than just talking to her even though she always appreciates being able to talk to me because she hasn't told anyone else. Today it was freaking me out cause she was freaking out and I was in school and she was at home texting me but eventually she went to the doctor and I'm really really REALLY releived cause if anything ever happened I would have hated myself the rest of my life. She's such a good friend to me though. I'm happy for her.
Because this weekend I've really preoccupied myself and enjoyed myself I've really started forgetting about my crush. The past couple of weeks I've been wallowing about how I'm ever going to get through it and how bad it would suck because I would have to cut myself off with contact just so I could get through it alright but now I don't have to do that. It's fading away the more I preoccupy myself and get my mind off her, which is the best way to go. Cutting contact off directly is probably the worst thing ever. It would tear me apart. Today I think I had an epiphany where I went, "wait why do I even like her???? " o_o, and "what was I hoping to gain" etc. and made me go haha wow that's ridiculous :O when I realized the situation. And it's funny because I didn't feel like dying, I didn't feel an overwhelming crushing feeling, I just kind of layed on my bed staring at the ceiling with a sense of relief going AAHHH because I feel almost completely free of it. It's really nice. I feel like my mind is once my own.
Today I was feeling a little weird but I still have the optimistic state of mind I've had all weekend. I'm doing really good even though some shitty things have been happening. I can't believe I just summed up everything I've been feeling. What a mess.