oh baby...i've been there, and no where's worse. just getting out of bed is exhausting. facing people is impossible. you want the world to stop so you can get off.

i know.

suicide is a perminant solution to a temporary problem, a problem that certainly doesn't seem temporary. it seems like it'll last forever.

i'm not a doctor, but it sounds like you're depressed. see-a-doctor-or-a-therepist, maybe-take-meds, depressed. you're NOT crazy, or bad, or wrong, or messed up, or screwed up, just possibly depressed. the best news about that? it does get better.

do you have a family doctor? talk to him/her, with or without your parents knowledge. if you don't, go to where you normally go to for medical stuff, and make an appointment.

i know this all seems like too much...like you'll never get it done, and it's not worth it, but it is. as someone who spent six months of my life wanting (and trying) to kill myself, it's worth it.

go online, and find your local suicide prevention hotline (if you don't want to do that, and are comfortable telling me what town/city you live in in a PM, i'd be happy to do that for you). if you find yourself about to kill yourself, call them. they can help.

i would strongly urge you to get into therepy, ASAP (if you aren't already. if you are TELL YOUR THEREPIST immediately). i don't know how supportive your parents would be of that, but either convince them, or at least get their concent.

*hug* i didn't believe for the longest time that i would ever want to live again. that my heart would ever heal from the brutal stomping it took, or that i could ever want to go on. and i am so glad somebody told me that i shouldn't do it. that even though i didn't believe, they told me that i'd want to live, my heart would mend, and i'd want to wake up every day.

you have to hang on. you have to go until you think you can't anymore, and then you have to go further. you just have to. it's the only damn way to get through.

there are people who can help. there are people who will understand, and who will get you through this.

you can get through this. i know you don't think you can, but you can. you can, and you will.

message me anytime, for anything. we love you, hon.

Bulldyke
"I think some mistakes are meant to be made, because we can't help but hope that they won't be mistakes."

Why can't I die!? What's so wrong with ending what makes me so miserable?

One thing at a time, okay? First, talk, then we worry if you need any kind of meds. You don't have to worry about it all at once, honey. One foot in front of the other, and let's try to slowly make things different for you, okay?
XOXO
_________________________________

- Pat Nelson Childs
"bringing strong gay & lesbian characters to Sci-Fi & Fantasy"

I don't want to live through this...

who would? it's worse than hell. it's so fucked up, there's no words for it.

but you want to see color again. you want to feel happy for pat, and not feel like a fuck up. you want to just feel again. and you can. you will.

you don't have to want to live, you just have to do it. you can get through tonight. i know you can.

Bulldyke
"I think some mistakes are meant to be made, because we can't help but hope that they won't be mistakes."

Go to bed early and look what ya'll get up to...

I've never been suicidal or depressed, so I'll leave that to the others.

But it does seem like you have yourself painted into a corner here. Everything you need to better your life... being out, possibly therapy and drugs... requires your parents on some level, but you don't want to interact with them.

Also, what would you have to tell your parents to get meds? Just that you're depressed, I'd imagine. That's not all that uncommon anymore.

Plus, to see a therapist to get meds... once you're in there, you can let loose and tell your therapist about being bi/gay and whatever, and they'd respect your privacy and help you sort things out.

Of course, I think it's important to take a few steps back and realize that you're reacting to your perception of the world and not its reality.

Your parents, in their own misguided way, want the best for you, and may have problems of their own.

As to your friends... the number of friends from high school I see more than once a year is zero. Even if it's true that they don't like you, which seems unlikely since you've always been popular and interesting on here, it's irrelevant. Who cares?

If we all like you, where you're honest about who you are; and the people who don't know the real you don't like you, then that just shows you that when you are completely out and making new friends in college, they'll like you.

But we all want you here, Tim.

---
"Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment." - Rumi

Add me on Facebook.

oh baby, i know. i pretty much back up everything everyone else says on here. don't let the thought of ending your life be the answer. there is so much good and so much beauty and so much in the world. you just sometimes have to sift through the shit to get to it.

baby doll, come back to us okay? there are so many people here that love you and care for you and don't want to see you come to any harm. we're all here for you.

"She's Trouble with a capital T, that rhymes with P, that stands for Pussy."