It’s 2009.

This scares me.

This year I turn 17, which is so scary because the fact that I turned 16 4 months ago still hasn’t quite sunk in yet. I suppose that is the big thing. I’m scared. I’m scared because next year I finish school and become an alleged adult and because that’s as far as I can picture in my head and because January 2011 is shrouded in mystery. As if I’m some ship about to be cut loose from its’ mooring. But the sea is too exciting to resist.

Last year went too fast. Too fast like a good ride at a theme park. I didn’t know it was possible to feel so many ways. The feeling of falling asleep in someone’s arms and never wanting to be let go or the feeling when someone you love tells you they didn’t kill themselves because of you. And being drunk out of my mind and feeling infinite. And learning to love myself, but also feeling as betrayed as I’ve ever felt in my life.

And I know some of it sucked. But I suppose it’s called living, for real, in a nice positive life affirming way, even though it’s hard and it’s scary and you fuck up and everyone else does too. But I still have those feelings and those memories and some vague feeling that things are going to be good with me this year, and if they aren’t they will be soon enough.

And last night I had a dream where I gave the guy I've got a crush on at work white roses. =P