dear lover,
You don't exist. I would like you to, but you don't. I believe you probably will never exist. But in case you do, I would like you to know that I'm waiting. I would like you to know that I think about you when I'm lonely. When I get to the point of "ok now I'm bored of being alone", which is starting to happen a lot lately. I think about us. I see us. And it makes me sad when I imagine us because I know it will never become true. I would have been great to you, though. I have so much emotion inside me. It's all for you. I'm not sure how to filter it out if you're not here, if you don't exist. It is only me, myself, and I, stuck inside my mind. To be quite honest, I think I'm too much of a mess, too confusing, too depressing, for anyone to handle. On the outside, in person, I'm fine. I'm optimistic, energetic, and pretty great. But I think if anyone ever got to know me, if anyone could see my mind, my thought processes, the way I con myself out of happiness just so I won't have to fall later, they would definitely avoid me. They wouldn't like me. In fact, that's the main reason I don't get close to anyone. That's the reason there's always a wall. I came to the realization of what that Tegan and Sara song finally meant. You wouldn't like me if you met me. Guess what? I wouldn't like me if I met me either. I never have. My head is such a mess. That's why I push anyone away who I feel is getting too close. I get attached. Then they finally realize I'm not that great, and I am left feeling ridiculous for allowing myself to get attached knowing that this would happen in the end. That's actually only happened once. I still believe that will happen every time though. Anyway, I guess I just wanted to write an imaginary letter to an imaginary person about the imaginary feeling I will never experience. Thanks for reading.