Today I went for a walk outside. It was pretty cold, but it was nice. It was beautiful out. The air was crisp, the sky was clear. I bought a mocha at the starbucks inside safeway and then I walked around to the bus stop and sat on the bench to drink it. It was overall very peaceful. I think I will start walking again. I use to walk everyday and I think it always clears my mind and I haven't walked in over a month. My mind is getting very messy and I always feel like all the clutter goes away while I walk. It's something about getting out of the house and not being stuck inside with the same routines everyday and hiding away in my room.
I've never been one to believe in fate or destiny. I do believe some people have paths that are bound to cross with another, but I don't think I believe in soul mates or anything. All my life I've always been a loner, but it's not the bad kind, it's not like I can't make friends. I have plenty of friends and have always had a good amount of friends. But it's something else. I'm extremely independent and a lot of the time I'm not hanging out with my friends or anything. I have a good group of friends and we have parties occasionally, but I'm not the average teenager who spends every weekend out and the weekdays trying to get away from home. I thrive in solitude. It's probably where the best of me comes out because I'm content and I'm happy and no one is bothering me. It's peaceful.
When I hang out with my friend we usually have a good time. We enjoy each others company and stuff but the next day I can't wait to get home or to be alone. It's always been like that. It doesn't make much sense to me when you haven't seen someone for a couple months and you finally hang out, that after only a day you want them to get out of your face. I was thinking about this and it led me to believe that maybe I was never meant to have good relationships. Maybe I'm just one of those people who will always be lost in their own mind and distant from everyone. The friends I have are great, I'm fairly close, but there's still this barrier, this wall that is there. Sometimes I think maybe I'm afraid to let anyone get too close to me because I'm afraid to get hurt. Or maybe I'm just not interested enough in my friends to actually get to know them. I think in my head I believe my friends aren't interested enough in ME to get to want to know me. I don't know what it is, I just know that my feelings and my relationships with people are so different than that of normal people. But don't get me wrong, I don't compare myself to "normal" people for everything, it just puzzles me why my feelings towards people relationships seem so different. I think I'm broken. Something inside me doesn't work right. I was never meant to have anyone. When I think about it it doesn't make me as sad as it should. Like I said, I'm happy being alone. But sometimes, sometimes it would be nice to have healthy relationships with people. I don't know. I've definitely thought this could be a teenager thing, a phase, but I'm pretty sure it's not. I can feel it. I know this will last my entire life. I've known this since a young age, I think. I've always known. I've accepted it as well, afterall it's not all that bad.
I just wonder if I'll ever be able to get close to someone. It would be nice to love.