OMG my dad is ashamed of me...
So, the other day I asked dad if I could go to a gay youth group in the area (Thnx to Jeff) and he said, "okay". So, I ask him about it the next day and he says, I haven't had a chance to. So, I shrug and ask him again TODAY and he stilll hasn't. Now, normally that would just mean I have a forgetful dad. But coupling it up with other things (He keeps talking about me getting a girlfriend) I think that he's trying to pretend I'm not gay. I can't help but resent that a little. I mean, It's who I am! I didn't choose to be this way, bbut I'm still proud of my differences. Thing is, I remember my dad giving me the gay talk when I was ten. You know, the whole, "You know that gays are people too, right?" Well, during that talk he said "It's their decision" HE THINKS I CHOSE TO BE GAY!!! That really hurts me, to think my own dad is ashamed of me.
Written lovingly for you, yes, ONLY you,
WantsOut
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My mom does the same thing
My mom does the same thing as well.
Written lovingly for you, yes, ONLY you,
WantsOut
Well...
It's okay to cut them some slack at first, I mean, you had as much time as you wanted to get comfortable with the idea personally and then you chose when you were ready to tell them. But when you tell them, they don't get that same luxury, you have to see them work through their process.
So, just be persistent, find the balance between bringing it up matter-of-factly and deliberately annoying them, and then ratchet back from that point a bit.
But don't give them time and intentionally avoid bringing it up for a while. When people do that, they often have to come out again, believe it or not. Ah, what you can make yourself believe if you want to...
So, in a way, you need to switch roles for a bit now. Ask them if there's anything you can do to help them get more comfortable with it. You're sort of running things in this area for now. Let them ask questions they'll regret asking later (I think my mother said I could be gay as long as I promised never to have sex, for example), but never let their process affect your self-esteem. They'll come around.
---
"Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment." - Rumi
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Parents are usually blaming
Parents are usually blaming themselves for something they imagine they've done wrong. It takes time for them to understand and accept that it's not a choice and that you're not going to change. Try to be patient with them. They are grieving for all the plans that they had in their heads for you, and for grandchildren they erroneously believe you will not give them now. If you'd like some good pamphlets to give them, email or PM me and I'll upload them and give you the link. Actually, never mind. Others on here might find them useful as well, so I'll get them uploaded tomorrow and post the link here for you and everyone else.
I don't think they're really ashamed of you, but if they are, it's their problem. You have no reason to be ashamed of who you are.
Hugs,
Pat
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- Pat Nelson Childs
"bringing strong gay characters to Sci-Fi & Fantasy"
yeah... But, see, I feel
yeah... But, see, I feel like I can't bring it up. It took a lot of willpower to even bring up the youth group in the first place, and when I mention it, I can only call it "That youth group I told you about earlier." I can't even mention the word gay around them. It's so... akward.
Written lovingly for you, yes, ONLY you,
WantsOut
I need help on how to bring
I need help on how to bring it up... I don't have a boyfriend, so I can't say "My boyfriend did this" or something... Help.
Written lovingly for you, yes, ONLY you,
WantsOut
Depends...
A lot of the stuff depends on how you interact with your family.
If your mother often watches TV with you, you can know there's a gay topic on one of the episodes by checking in advance (this gets easier if you have On Demand cable, where you can just *happen* to watch the Daily Show from earlier this week, knowing that the second segment with Mike Huckabee is going to be all gay.
Rent a non-sexual gay DVD, something like maybe Beautiful Thing, But I'm a Cheerleader, Wedding Wars, Breakfast with Scot, etc., and just put it on in the living room or some public place, not squirreled away in your bedroom.
Buy them a book like "Now That You Know" or "The Family Heart" by Robb Forman Dew (which available used on Amazon for a penny plus shipping), and just leave it out for them to find, read, etc. You'll see a lot of similar books recommended if you look those up.
Try to find times where you are censoring yourself, and stop. If your friend gets upset that you say gay stuff, and you're visibly frustrated, and your mom asks what's wrong? Tell her.
Picture the relationship and life you want to have at home, and start living it. It isn't going to change because they start doing these things. You can even say one of your big fears is that you don't want your relationship with them to suffer because of this, which puts them back in their familiar role of being protective of you.
As we said yesterday, the boyfriend solves nothing. In fact, at this point, for them, boyfriend = sex = gay sex = their son having gay sex. So, really, I think in this instance you're better off being single.
But definitely position things that you're gay, you want to give them time, but also that you still need their love and support now more than ever, too. Better than you being gay, them not knowing what to do, you getting frustrated that they don't 'get it,' and no one making progress.
There's a strong possibility that you'll have to speak up more, though, so get used to it. You can say a lot of things without saying "gay":
"You know, it's not going to change if we all don't talk about it."
"When I have kids, (insert anything)..." (They'll likely rule out you having kids if you're gay, so this will draw their attention)
"I want you know that nothing can change the fact that I love you."
"This is all new for me, too, you know?"
"Why am I so happy this morning? I have gym first period!!"
None of those has the word gay in it.
Just make them adapt to the reality you are presenting. They will, and possibly sooner than you think.
---
"Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment." - Rumi
Add me on Facebook and MySpace.
Thanks Jeff. I think that
Thanks Jeff. I think that will be helpful, but if anyone can come up with more things to say like those last few quote things, that would be uber nice of you.
Written lovingly for you, yes, ONLY you,
WantsOut
Jeff covered it all pretty
Jeff covered it all pretty well in terms of whatever else I might have to say. Let me just add one thing. You're 13. That means your parents are probably not going to surrender the possibility that this is just a phase for some time yet. On the other hand, it gives you plenty of time for them to get used to the idea before you start seriously dating. As with parents of ANY kid your age, they are terrified by the thought of your growing up at all. This is just compounding their fear. I know you'd like to be able to have it all work out in the space of a normal half-hour sitcom (don't we all?), but in point of fact, it can take parents years to completely give up the heterosexual son they thought they were going to have. Follow Jeff's advice, and BE PATIENT WITH THEM. Don't let things degenerate into arguments. If you start to get frustrated, take a moment and walk away, then try again. At 13, it really is a bit young for you to start worrying about taking charge of your life, but in this respect, you can. You know who you are, and if you are sure that you are gay and that it isn't going to change, then stick to your guns and don't let anyone shake your confidence or your self-esteem.
I'm going to put those pamphlets online now. I'll have them up in an hour or so and will announce them with a seperate post...so keep an eye out for it.
Remember we are all here for you, kiddo.
Hugs,
Pat
_________________________________
Please visit my Myspace Profile and add me as a friend.
_________________________________
- Pat Nelson Childs
"bringing strong gay characters to Sci-Fi & Fantasy"