Uuugh, I don't now what's going on.
I try to be happy and act myself. But being happy is never good. I annoy people and they get angry. People liked me better last year when I was depressed (like, seriously diagnosed as having depression) than they do this year. It was because I was usually quiet and out of the way. So lately I've been progressively more my (happy) self. And lately I've progressively had people tell me to stop doing this or stop doing that because I annoyed/angered them.
This is why last year when I had depression, I never took my anti-depressants. Because I would act happy and chipper when I did take them, and people started saying they didn't like the way I behaved, so I stopped taking them and just increased the cutting instead.
These people I'm talking about are my friends. At least, I like to think they're my friends. They're a bunch of boys I hang out with everyday. We live together on the same floor in the dorms. But, lately, I think I've lost them. And I'm really confused as to what I did.
Actually, they told me I'm really annoying cuz I say a lot of things are cute. There's a cute puppy. There's a cute dinosaur on tv. Yoshi makes cute sounds in Mario Kart Wii. Well, yeah, I say a lot of things are cute because many things are cute to me. And all I say is, "Aw, that's so cute" and then I'm done. It's not like I go on and on about it. But, I dunno, I guess it's really that bad.
I cut myself again because I'm upset with myself. I'm so upset that me being happy and myself makes others so angry.
WHY CAN'T I JUST BE A NORMAL PERSON THAT OTHERS COULD TOLERATE???
And now I'm scared to go home for Thanksgiving Break because my mom thinks I quit cutting, and she said if I ever did it again she'd make me go to the community college and not my state university that I love so much, that way I would have to live with them and she could keep an eye on me.
I know it's very cliche to say, but I honestly 100% hate myself. There's no good to me. Everything I do annoys/bothers people. And when I try to be happy and have fun, my friends always end up angry at me. I'm sick of this. I'm sick of myself.
I once told one of the boys that I was always scared of what they thought of me, so I didn't know how to act around them. He told me to by myself.