Okay, i'm fat. not like, hugely massively overweight...i'm just kinda plump. 150 on a 5'3" frame. and, for whatever reason, people always think that i weight waaaaay less, but i don't. and honestly, i hate it. i really, really do. i'm sooo sick of being overweight, but nothing i do seems to help.
the worst part is that it's not my fault. truly, it isn't. i eat well, i excersize...but, a few years ago, my idiot psychiatrist put me on these horrible meds that totally fucked with my metabolism. like, really fucked with it. i gained 50 pounds in four weeks. and no, that's not an exageration. like, okay, i'm already horribly depressed, let's add weight issues to the mix!! i went from 120 (which's healthy and whatever) to 170 in a month! and i've been trying to lose it ever since.
now, some of you are probably thinking that being not even 30 lbs overweight isn't so bad...it's not like i'm obese or anything. and it's not so bad, most of the time. i wouldn't call myself ugly. but...i hate it. i hate my stomach, and my hips, and i really really hate my breasts (i mean, what kind of dyke wears a C cup? come on!!!).
and like, nobody knows. nobody has a clue that i feel like htis about my weight. my best friend, wolf, weighs 118...and constantly complains that she's fat. i'm like, NO. you are not fat. you maybe have a tiny bit of excess fat on your body, but you are not fat!
i really want to go in drag for halloween, but nothing looks good on me. like, nothing. i hate my body. i feel unattractive. and it's not that i don't like curves...in fact, i prefer curves over most everything else. i just don't like it on me. i want to be, i dunno. not uber skinny or anything, but just...normal weight. but i can't seem to get there. i work out for hours almost every day...i try to eat well...and nothing helps.
i guess i'm just feeling sorry for myself right now. and to make things just so much worse, my idiot mother turned the freakin heat on today! i mean, come on! it's like, 70 out, it's FINALLY cooling off, and she turns the heat on!!! WHAT THE FUCK?!?! i fucking HATE being in the heat. I really, really can't stand it. I spend the entire summer bitching about it...you have no idea. So i've been SOOOOO happy that it's finally almost November, and cooling off, and my room stays cool all day (in the summer, i get massive sunlight in the afternoon, and it bakes)...and she turns the heat on, so it's like 70 in the house. FUCK!
R still isn't talking to me. which i get. i mean, i understand, and i accept, and it's all good, but i miss her! she always cheers me up. i mean, wolf's great, she tries, and so is Em, but....i want to chat with R.
i really am in a pissy mood, aren't i? i don't really know why. i mean, partly it's cause i went clothes shopping and that always depresses me. i don't think the whole drag thing is going to work. it's pissing me off waaaaay too much to deal with it, and it's not fun anymore.
i have this image in my head of what i want to look like, and it's so far away. i mean, i'll get there. i am losing weight bit by sloooooow bit, but it pisses me off.
and yes, everything, at one point or another, pisses me off.
i'm going to go watch a Suzanne Westenhoefer show. that's sure to cheer me up. i love her.
oh, and the absolute worst part about all the stuff i was just talking about? binding hurts like a bitch. like, it HURTS. and i can't get my chest flat without going really tight, so i can't breathe. i'm thinkin that drag will have to wait for next year. oh well...i have another idea that's going to totally freak out my friends. :D that'll be fun.