i had a bad day :(
everybody wants me to open up and say what's really on my mind....psshttt, they only think they do....they don't really, right? i figure families are like clubs, if you don't pay you lose u'r membership, sucks but its only fair, i guess that's what happened, i disappointed them and they disappointed me, so now we're all ashamed of me and my existence. still, it doesn't matter how much they manage to piss me off or make me cry, i'll never open up fully...hhahahaha i open up more in this place than in real life, it's easier, u'r strangers now aren't you bunny lovers? and i'm just a random person somewhere in israel who's name happens to be adam. i often wonder if you think i behave in real life like i do here most of the time? hahahaha, silly buggers. why do my mother and grandmother manage to squeeze some truth out of me all the time?? then they make me angry and say what i feel, then they tell me it hurts and i feel guilty, so then i talk to them because i know that's what they want...i tell them what they want me to tell them...a little slice of truth...and then i feel ashamed, and selfish for having done that...i i sacrifice just a little more of myself. been doing it for ten years or more now....think i'm reaching the point where i'm just losing myself now, so caught up between making people happy, hiding one thing for another and minimising every need i have, every smallest pleasure, every desire, always counting every cent and making as much room for others in place of myself that at this point it seems like my whole being is made up more of them than it is of me.....whoever the fuck that is. how do you tell somebody...."u'r killing me inside, i hate me and i'm beggining to hate you", and what's a person supposed to think when they hear that. wont they all think i'm just another emo with his head screwed on wrong? aren't you thinking it right now?? you so are!
honestly though, i'm not! god it wasn't that long ago i was happy and bright and optimistic and faithful and everything! i still see so much good in the world, so much beauty, in everything, in everyone. i'm just tiered, i've become such a nomad lately, my whole life is in my back pocket everything i have i've been given, i owe so much to so many people. and i've got nothing left to give of me, nothing at all. hmmm, why must everything be so fucking retarded? since when did my life become a bad episode of the bold and the beautiful! (i know...there are no good episodes of the bold and the beautiful). most of all i'd like to know...where the fuck did adam of ten years ago go? and where did adam of five, of one year ago go...where in god's name did all my hope go? and why is it that all i have left now is apollo alexander, a person i love so much, who knows me inside out and understands me perfectly...but that i'm just not capable of touching, of reaching, that's the cruelest part of all....when all i ever wanted from my life, moreover art, moreover anything full stop...was to be with my alexander. what can i give him? what can i give you? fate fucked with us and put us together apart and then together in the oddest times and now it seems it screwed us again, don't you think it would have been better if we reunited five years from now? after i finished my little crisis? how can i expect you to stand by me when i can't even stand to be with me....it's so fucking annoying when somebody is sad all the time...i know....i hate being around depressed people they piss me off, but i can't help it, it's beyonde my control, i've always been a slave to my emotions. aaah i know what u'r thinking....man cut the mellowdramatic crap and shut the fuck up! i know, i think it all the time to myself....fuck, how indulgent to rave on and feel all gloomy when there are people who have it much worse, people you know....even people you love? how much is a person allowed to take for themselves? how do you know what you deserve and what you must share? it seems to me i'm always either giving too much or taking too much....if i ive too much i feel empty, if i take to much i fill like i'm overflowing, i want to feel full, satisfied, stable. i know only one way of doing that...being with you, hearing u'r stories, or listening to my song with you. perhaps i'm just too damn romantic or emotional....or maybe i'm immature, fuck..what's so good about being mature though? i don't know any adult who's that much better than me, we've all got our little flaws right? my mother said she's embarassed of me today.....that really hurt. hmm, she's so disappointing, and yet i love her so much. it seems like no matter how hard i try and make her proud it just doesn't work....and my grandfather...well i'll never be my cousin, i'm not straight or religious, i'm not even patriotic, israel doesn't mean more to me that a place where i was born...my true home is not a land but a person, a state of mind, and after all i'm not only israeli, i'm australian too, or maybe i'm neither...eh who cares? really...i don't. i really didn't want to expose alexander to this side of me....it's not really me, i don't think, it's just a very small part of me that's wollen and sore right now....it's making me ugly in every sense of the word, and i so wanted to protect alexander from that. i'm afraid it's me that needs protection. i can't decide wheather or not i'm strong or weak, is it a strong person that stayes, takes the punches, gives a few back, hinges on a belief, on a commitment to a person rather than a commitment to a thing or to oneself...or is it a weak person, who gives up his hopes and dreams for other people to take, who gives himself away rather than gets his share, who lets the punches come and doesn't block them first? grr shut up adam! i mean, shut the fuck up right?! hahahahahhahahaha, i can just see this monologue being performed by like thorne forster or stephanie....such bores.
i'll probably feel bad for having taken so much space on journals wall... lol, sorry guys!
anyway, i believe meangirls and amelie are awaiting me in the mail so just as soon as i can i'll get that package out and watch them, then i'll be right as rain again. back to meowing and calling you all fuckers...keep you entertained like you know you like it!
sorry for the downer, hope you didn't read it.
adam