It's been a long while since I've posted on here and I've been procrastinating... I just need to get something down and on the record.
For starters I'd like to say that although my last entry was written in what I consider a good way, it is UTTER crap. It is a pale reflection of what I am truly dealing with right now. So don't even go by my last journal entry. I'm find with Good Friend #1 right now. Fine as can be anyway.
Here's how I"m currently feeling I typed it up earlier.
I feel bogged down by my college classes not necessarily because they are difficult (though they kind of are) but because they constantly seem to remind me of what I don’t want. I don’t want to be an administrative assistant! Even the fact that I know what I don’t want to do is disappointing because I still don’t know what I want to do. Even if I could say I know what I want to do, which is something with psychology, what happens if that really does happen? Then I probably would still be unsure! The frailty of human nature is pretty repulsive to me right now. It’s only because were human I guess. I guess that’s why we’re weak, because we are the way we are.
I haven’t talked with any of my good guy friends in a while. I haven’t even seen them, that saddens me. I’m not even finding satisfaction in my every day relationships. It’s like they all require some kind of significance that I can only seem to find from my core friends, Good Friend 2, Good Friend 1, and Good Friend 3 and they’re not exactly at my right side right now. On top of that it’s not like they’re perfect in any way, so they’ve let me down somehow someway at sometime.
I’m honestly getting sick of my sexuality. I find myself dissatisfied after I relieve myself of sexual energy. Nothing seems to stimulate me either, no porn, no fond memory, no image; nothing makes my release feel good. I don’t even seem to want the intimacy of another person. I guess I feel like I can’t have it so why bother? Either way I can’t think of a single person I’d like to share myself with and every time I see someone attractive it only feels wrong because feelings of lust just aren’t what I want right now. For some reason, I keep at it though, like it’s going to make things feel good, like it always seemed to.
Even the fact that I have found this apparent state of openness about things doesn’t phase my feelings on life. I remember I always used to want to be an open book. I’m closer to that than I ever was and it doesn’t seem to matter in any way.
I’m starting to feel like the only significant thing I should strive for in my life has something to do with God; yet I just can’t seem to do what I need to do to be with him in a proper way. I feel like trying at it is a waste of time, like I’m ever going to read the bible? I think the best thing I’m going to do is pray and that’s not exactly status quo.
Then again maybe I don’t feel like it’s a waste of time, maybe it’s a subconscious thing? Maybe I’m afraid of the greatness I can achieve with myself through the reality of God? I mean…wouldn’t that be the human thing to do? Be afraid? I think there are just too many options to decide from but I know it’s one of them.
Gosh, I don’t know where to go from here. Maybe it’s because there isn’t much more to say? I don’t know and frankly it kind of pisses me off cause I’ve heard a lot about me having to start making my own choices and my own mind up so when am I really going to start doing it? It’s like these questions: what good are they? You could say they are food for thought but then what good are my conscious thoughts?
I don’t know…I’m just going to shut up right now.
That's what I've been feeling like lately. as of 9-3-08 anyway.
So if you have any questions, please ask, all I have to do is homework and socialize.