I am on a total downer today.I can feel all this stuff just welling up inside of me and I suspect it is about to explode into a long and possibly whingy journal entry.
It feels like there is so much going on with me at the moment, and yet on the surface it looks like nothing.I recently came to the realisation that one of my friends,who I honestly trusted and held in high regard is not the person I thought he was at all.To be honest I have realised he is someone I am not safe with and need to make a break from.The only problem is how do I make that break when we have to spend days together whether or not we like it?There is no choice or negotiation on that.
My brother-in-law has been very supportive of me in my move away from this guy.But that in itself has lead to some problems.I spend a lot of time with my brother-in-law and we have become quite good friends.But to be honest I am not sure if it is becoming a little too friendly for my sister's liking.I was chatting to him online earlier and in the middle of it she text me to ask me to stop talking to him for one evening.She is sick of it and hearing about the activites we take part in together.She said she feels it is coming between them.The last thing in the world I would want to do is come between them,but in all honesty I can see her point of view on it too.
It is true we do spend a lot of time either together or talking via text or online.Lately I have been doing a lot of this as I have been trying to help the guy out.He has been suffering from a lot of problems and I have provided a lot of support for him.He was struggling to cope with some things and felt my sister was standing in the way of his recovery as opposed to helping.I suppose that is where I came in when I started to help.He is a good friend to me and I care about him dearly,therefore I want him to feel better and be ok.I also care about their releationship and I thought that by helping him I was helping them.But now my sister is really unhappy too.I don't know why or how exactly but I have found myself tangled in their mess.
I should probably be ontop of the world as I had my first proper night out in a gaybar last night.It was really good to soak up the atmosphere and just experience it.However I did feel terribly awkward as I didn't know the people I was out with very well at all.I was really shy too,so I am kind of worried they thought I was a wet blanket and I wont be invited with them again =[
I guess right now a lot of things are up in the air for me.I feel like I am dealing with my bro-in-laws problems,my sister and my bro-in-laws problems,a psycho friend,and desperatly trying to get out of the closet and make gay friends.I know I have moved on a good bit from the absolute closet case I was.But at the same time I am still a little stuck and feel like everyone elses bagage is weighing a tonne and weighing me right down.
I didn't write this to be all whingy and wow is me.I just have so much clutter in my head that seriously needed clearing.Seriously.