Previously...

June 2007: "I kinda like this girl, GW. [...] Oh, did I mention [she] was gay?

I mean, I liked her before I knew that--I've liked her for years (pathetic, I know, shut up), and she came out last year. A few months before she came out, I had started questioning, realized I liked her, etc. And then she came out and it was like...shiiit.

But the thing is...nothing would have (or will) ever happen. Even though she's gay, she's four years older than I am and completley not interested. And she doesn't know I like girls. "

Today's Episode...

I've been working on coming out to people--I came out at Summer Program X, and because of an essay I wrote there and am continuing to work on, I've made myself come out to three other people. Which is great, obviously, and is hopefully a trend I'll continue. But, that's not the point--the point is I came out to GW (mentioned above).

It was over IM and was pretty basic; I mentioned that the essay I was writing was about being gay and closeted, she had a moment of "Wait, what?" and then admitted she'd kind of guessed. At any rate, we had a mutual angst fest about our mothers, and talked for a while...then she said:

GW: so your mother probably thinks I'm a corrupting influence, huh?
me: haha...that's funnier (and truer) than you think
GW: what do you mean?
me: nothing, it's silly <---[that's me regretting saying anything]
GW: [badgers for a big]
me: weeeell, i had this epic crush on you in middle school...you know, when you were cool and older and in high school. then i realized what a dork you were and got over it . :]

I was a bit worried she was sketched out, as we didn't talk about it for the rest of the (long) conversation. In her next letter to me though, (we send each other snail mail 'cause we're cool like that) she talked about how she was glad I IM'ed her. And then she said, "And this will make me sound oh-so-sketchy, but I've liked you too."

I won't lie--when I read this I flipped out. I simply couldn't believe it. I never thought the interest was mutual--and to be honest, dorky and geeky me never thought it was possible for anyone to like me. And then GW admits she did?! It was pretty great...and unfortunately only added fire to the flame that has been burning pretty constantly for the past four or five years. It's a shame she has a serious girl friend--and that her confession was in the past tense. But I lied about having liked her only in middle school--could she have lied about the past tense of her like-age as well?

Doubtful, I know, but I'll hold onto any thread I can get. It doesn't help that she followed "I've liked" with a completely inked out word. Generally, she scratches out her mistakes with a single line. Is it over analyzing to think it means something?

To be honest, I'm not sure what to do...come clean about still liking her and fuck up our relationship? I mean, she has a girl friend...obviously her attraction to me can't be too strong...and yet.

So, dear Oasians, WHAT DO I DO?!