I feel a bit strange and like my life is in a weird place. It is in the process of changing but isn't quite there yet. I have come-out a little bit more, and started to get myself into the gay scene a little but more which is good. But on the other hand I still have friends and family who are completely unaware of my homo status and it makes me feel a bit weird. Being gay isn't just somthing I am dealing with on here and in my own head anymore, it is somthing I have started to live a little bit too. It feels like I have two lives and the gay one is the real one whereas in the other I am still pretending to be somthing I am not. I want to come-out to everybody else, and feel I will do it soon. But I just don't feel quite ready yet. I'm not sure why really, I guess I am still a little insecure about it. But I am aiming to get there soon with it.
I have my first lgbt meeting of this school year next week. I know I am probably going to be all freaked out and nervous about it. But I must make myself go. I have already been talking to the president of the group briefly and she seemed nice. So hopfully it all goes ok.
I am also in another little weird situation. I am not on very good terms with my sister or brother-in-law right now. They kept having huge fights which I somehow kept getting dragged into. This culminated into a massive row with my sister. She later apologised for the things she said to me, but I am just not ready to talk to her for a while. I told her this honestly and she agreed to not call me until I am ready. But she has broke that several times and called anyway. But I could not bring myself to be normal with her and she knew it.
My parents, as far as I know have no idea of the argument.So that is another thing I am hiding from them. I just feel so weird that I am hiding all this stuff from them. I don't really like secrets and lie's(but who does I guess) I just find it all so unsettling.
On top of that I had to stop talking to the one person that seemed to drag me through all this bull-shit because my trust in him as a friend was very misguided. I since found out he is not the guy I thought him to be. He is infact somene I should be scared of. The fact that I trusted him with so many things to later find out who he really is also scared me.
I guess in some way I could sum up to say my life is a little bit in freefall at the moment. I quite honestly don't really know who I am...I feel like I am only starting to find out as releationships around me seem to be crumbling and everyone I trusted had to be pushed away.