They knock me out
I lie in the open hospital gown
Underneath the clean white sheets
On the gurney
The bright floresent lights burn my eyes,
Like a chemical, I thought
The faces blur together
Thats the last that I remember
The sergen,
The knife,
The stiches,
They leave there mark on me,
Perminitly,
They were ment to take out the disease
But I think they must have made a mistake
They took out me instead
My heart once a red bloodied thing
Is lieing unbeating, in the cold metal bin.
They were ment to distroy the disease
Instead they put one in me
Leaving my emotions rocking around inside of me
Like the waves a sunami
They crash into my brain and leave me numb
I no longer feel the pain
The pills they gave me are ment to cease
Whatever caused the issue in the first place
But do they?
I remember....and oh how I wish I didn't
But I remember the blond....
All her high school friends,
So loud, joking, teasing,
The nurse...watching, standing gaurd
They told me she was admited for an eating disorder
Funny I would end up with the same thing a few months later
Except I'm lucky
I will stop before I damage my body completly
I remember....and oh how I wish I didn't
But I remember the younge girl and her father,
They wouldn't tell me why she was in there...
I remember Alice...just like her
I went down the tunnel and through the shrunkin door
And I remember the brunette....
Asking for drawings...
She drew me...
She drew me a turtle
And when they whisped me to another room I left it there,
To sit, to rot, to get thrown away...
And that is my biggest regret
I'm sorry, at least I kept the stickers
And I remember the treatments,
The needles, the tubes, the beeping of moniters,
Nurses commanding me to swallow
To follow in the metal chair
Down the corridor to wait...
To stand against the hard table
They want pictures...
This is strange, I think
And I remember...and oh how I wish I didn't
But I remember....
Walking, they made me walk...
Back and forth, back and forth
I remember the shower, to sit in a chair...
I remember the games and the movies...
The nurses were nice,
I belive they spoke to me
And I remember...and maybe I'm happy that I did
But I remember my first substance in almost a week
Broth, what a funny thing...
But then it tasted like the best thing
And I remember the air...
So fresh....
Without the tension in the air...
I remember the earth, the trees, the people, the shops....
After eight days,
Its like...somthing unexplainable...
Its like...being free
And I remember everything so clear,
Even though somtimes it scares me,
I remember what it did to me...
The deppression, the anger and tears,
The pills, the disorders
The thoughts of...the unthinkable
Of never coming back
But think of how I am now...
Am I more able because of it,
Am I more mature,
Who would I be if this never happened to me?
Who would I be without my sugury?
It's amazing I still remember two years later
But I remember...