I wonder where all the people are out there. Who know the way I feel. Where your direction in life is like a small narrow bike path leading onward to a healthy life. On one side of the path looms anorexia. On the other side binge eating. One false step and you find yourself veering off the path into the darkness once again. I have to widen the path. But that's difficult to do while you're traveling down it at the same time. I feel good. But what if there isn't a foundation for my sanity?

What it feels like when you can't eat in front of other people. How I feel like screaming when someone goes "Mmmmm." Is it just a stupid pet peeve? Or maybe it angers me because its a sound of enjoyment. They're enjoying their food. I can't even comprehend what that feels like. Food is a fuel. Sometimes a guilt. But enjoyable? No. We are not friends. Food pretended to be my friend to fill the void. That didn't work so well. I've fought that for 13 days straight. Which is good for me.

I'm doing really well. So I have to be more careful than ever. Watch out for SUD's (what my therapist calls Seemingly Unrelated Decisions). It really helps.

Starving is easy. Starving is oh so easy. If I wanted to I could starve myself. Lose weight (mostly muscle..) Hmm. Then start getting dizzy again. Fucked up heart rate/pain. Thankfully nothing has ever gone past that. But I could keep going. Turn into bones. And die. How convenient. But I think I'll choose the hardest path. Being healthy. Being Fit. Being happy. Because who doesn't like a challenge, eh?

And if I get hit by a bus or something on the day I feel completely comfortable with my body. Well then that's just fucking hilarious irony and someone should write a book about me. Ah fate.

I don't believe in fate. I don't believe in God. I want to. That doesn't seem to make sense to anyone but me. They ask "How can you WISH you had faith if you're not a believer?" Because. For selfish reasons I guess. For something to trust, to put my faith in, for SOMETHING to believe in. I wish I had that. But I just, don't believe. Not yet. I have quite the open mind though.

And if there was a Heaven. There might just be someone, well there is, that it would be nice to spend eternity with. If I can't spend it with him.. it just wouldn't be heaven. So screw it.

Apparently my cholesterol is quite good. Cooleo. My triglycerides were high a few weeks ago. Kinda scary because I binged that week then took the test. I felt all the horrible side effects of the ED but never like, a lab test result. It fucking messes you up. But I've been great for 13 days. Hey two weeks tomorrow =] and now my levels are fucking pro. Wooh.

I've been dealing with bad things a bit better lately. Taking them lightly. Not letting it get me down. Because I've known them long enough that things always get better. So I have faith they will again. I guess that's something? And if I'm going to be in love (not like I have a say in the matter) I might as well not be so sensitive. Because thats a sure way to cry every day. And that's no way to live. I'd much rather just let my emotions out through running and guitar hero. Ah guitar hero <3

And maybe these matters, disorders, depression, you name it, have been sent to me to make me stronger. To teach me how to be happy and healthy for myself. Because sure now the happy-go-lucky-skinny-beautiful-girls-and-boys may seem lucky. But they haven't had to deal with anything too huge. Issues inside themselves. Cutting you at the bone. And those issues will come to them, someday. And they won't know how to deal. Their lives have been at a 'mostly good' point. So when things go sour for a time, it will seem horrible. For me, I'll be used to it. The downward drop won't be a spike, just a dip. And I'll be able to say Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.