It is the 17/08/08, early morning.
After a nightmare.
I'm going to write this down.
Because I'm not going to make this one of those moments that will fade away with time. That's all too depressing. If it slowly fades away, eventually it will mean nothing and that's frustrating. Instead I will transfer this abstract concept /thought into tangible words that will remind me for eternity.
But it is not a good moment. I had a nightmare. A nightmare of my ex. I feel so uneasy right now. So uncomfortable. Slightly creeped by the supernatural theme of it. Slightly worn down and confused as to my reaction. I was scared and woke up at around 3:30am, and cried until god knows when. But here I am, sitting at the computer - almost 6 - trying to create a state of permanence of something that hurt me? Or is this some sort of reminiscing of the old love we had, the good times we used to have together except it's too late for me to want to admit that now? These kind of questions can go on forever. Heck, what do dreams mean anyway.
This is about my six-month ex, Andy, which I broke up with two weeks ago. He found a new boyfriend one week ago. He said he still cared a lot about me after we broke up. I knew I care a lot about him - but I didn't want to because he's so playboy (flirting with all these guys) and he's confused about what he wants. I don't think he cares about me - so it's only reasonable. But I still care so much, I just can't help that.
So I don't know how the dream starts... but we're at some place. Maybe a party? Maybe some kind of road trip? People were there. I was there. Andy was there. It was slightly colourful. It's meant to be those moments where everyone's socialising but the soul's still quite hollow somehow. If that makes sense. I could feel it like that.
Then suddenly Andy collapsed? I can't recall how. Did he drown? Did he get hit by a car? Drugs? I don't know.
Then it switched directly to INSIDE the hospital. He was rushed into emergency/surgery room of some sorts. He's pale as a ghost. Completely pale... this was the scary bit. I was watching from a bird's eye view as if I was standing on some sort of glass roof and overwatching the whole event - even though I was still in the dream.
This is not a lucid dream. I didn't know I was dreaming.
Then they tried to resuscitate him. His heartbeat obviously had stopped. After the shock.. His body flogged up... and at the same time his eyes fly open... his face with its contours very vivid and protruding out (a defined face?)... his mouth opened... seemed like he was going to scream something but cannot. I was watching from bird's eye view (I don't know how) so this was right under me... and he gazed right into my eyes. This is the scariest moment probably? He was going to say something.. he was so pale. He was struggling... Looked like the kind of desperate struggle a burning man would have.. or some guy who's drowning, tried to breath but only gulps in another gallon of water bringing him closer to his demise.
Then suddenly I'm no longer in this 'glass (?)' watching from bird's eye view. No longer am I shielded away. It immediately transitioned to me trying to resuscitate him when everyone's given up. No one was around me. It's still the emergency/surgery room. I didn't find it odd I was by myself but thinking about it now I don't know where everyone was. But I'm not resuscitating him with the resuscitator... I was performing CPR on him. Really hard... pushing really, really hard. Was I crying? I don't remember giving him mouth-to-mouth... but I was trying so hard with the CPR. His chest has been cut open... obviously part of the surgery. This is actually very visual and grotesque... but my hands were literally on his heart (don't know how CPR works like that...). And after every push I tried to feel for a response. I always felt there was a slight one so I kept going.. thinking I'd lose him. Then I knew it was wishful thinking... But no, guys and girls... I didn't resuscitate him... he died (under my own hands?). My hands were covered in blood... I looked at his face... (and his heart) and it looked like his died from a heart explosion. Does that work? Does that even make sense? A very vivid grotesque, opened, exploded heart (in the dream I was pretty sure it was the cause of death.. but could it be the shock of the resuscitator? or surgery? or my CPR which I pushed too hard?). I'm simply just describing what happened in this dream as objectively as possible.
That's not it. I know, so far it hasn't been happy. Half of you probably thought I'd get him back (revive him). I think I thought that too in the dream. But I couldn't do it. So I exited the surgery room of sorts.. hand covered in blood.. did i cry? I don't think so. But I should be sad at this point. I was thinking... "so that's Andy gone" (but was it a neutral statement? was I apathetic about his death). I have no idea what the outset of the dream was. Was he still going out with me in the dream? Or that new boyfriend? Or broke up but haven't found someone? Or broke up but with reasons he can't tell me? Or broke up but he truly really still loves me the most? Heck I don't know.
Then suddenly I got a text. I took the phone out.. and it was from Andy. It said "I try". Writing this now, I think the natural thing was to think he came back to life. But in the dream I knew he was still dead.. and it's him trying to communicate with me from 'the other side'. But is it a fully conscious form of communication from him? Or some part of him that hasn't crossed over... and remains as some form of energy that's kind of abstract and subjective and leaves all sorts of weird clues everywhere (that's very different from the former... having full conscious awareness - where we have the potential to engage in full proper conversation). This was the saddest moment... because in our relationship we weren't that compatible. We liked different things. We have different hobbies, different interests, different humour... different outlooks on relationships and life... yet we always "try" so hard in the relationship. I'd do all these sweet things, he'd put in effort to try and talk more about his relationships. I always says "I know you try so hard" - but I never knew if he quite got it that I meant it. Or maybe it's just not enough. Loving someone doesn't solver everything. Trying doesn't quite cut it. Well... I also remember him saying he want to 'try and be a better boyfriend'. I'm trying to make some sense out of this but this text but this explanation still doesn't feel quite right, far from perfect. But he's with someone else now... maybe it's some kind of unfinished longing? Something he still wanted to do? Something we never got to do that we deserved? It didn't click to me in the dream... I'm just over-analysing right now. The two words "I try" are just so moving. It meant everything... like was he trying to come back to life? All the times he tried but never really quite delivers? Just really never cuts it doesn't it? Does the present tense of 'I try' means he's still trying? Because I could vividly remember it wasn't 'tried' - that was important and I think my brain somehow made an emphasis on it and subconsciously told me it was important that it was 'try' not 'tried'. Damn, it's sad memories fade away or how words cannot having sufficient meaning to describe all the complex emotions and abstract concepts... (that really sucks - cause when emotions and memories are gone they're gone)... but just so many times we know we loved each other despite the fact we weren't that compatible.. (like that time we cried to each other on the phone on our six month because deep down we have emotions for each other but it's just we never really seem to click.. we fight.. and he had to leave early and I stayed in town visiting all the places we usually go to and taking surprise pictures and sending it to them as a sentence (one word per picture).. we didn't fit but we love(d?) each other and tried (or try?) doing things for each other to make it all the much better... We thought we'd compliment each other.. but not quite...) I think he's more apathetic though which annoys me.
Anyways, the dream. So I got the text.... and I probably texted back. But I don't remember him texting back after that first text. Maybe he'll communicate in other ways? and then I went outside for a walk.. This looked like the setting cornwall park's rugby field.. with that stone wall by it too. But I don't think it was cornwall park, it just looks similar (I'm using cornwall park to more easily picture it for myself in the future). Then suddenly this soccer ball fades into this world from about 50cm-100cm high in the distance by the stonewall in the corner and just sits there (kind of like the way the deathnote faded in in 'deathnote' except not from that high). I went up and the ball has a message on it... it said "What was I supposed to do?" I don't even know what that meant? About not having enough 'will' to revive himself? About breaking up because he got someone 'better'? Or About breaking up because we weren't that compatible and it was for the better? Then suddenly more soccer balls faded into this world in this fashion from the same spot (except now they rolled all over the place).. each carrying a message. Now these other messages weren't as clear... I'd want to think one of them said "forgive me" but that's probably some form of extra detail I made up after the dream. So to be honest, I don't know what the other balls said... but probably messages similar to the first one (and the text) - ambiguous, not direct, trying to hint something or communicate with me in a subtle way... Yeah... Dead person trying to communicate in the dream. Is it symbolic of us right now somehow? Do I supposedly still care and love a 'dead' person? (love as in care a lot - not the infatuation)
Then the dream started getting blurry... I think I went back to the stonewall place everyday.. waiting for more soccer balls to drop in leaving messages.. But I can't remember if they kept coming. But I know they eventually stopped. And then there's this scene where I'd always sit in the classroom checking my phone.. seeing if it's Andy (the classroom had isolated desks in rolls facing the left and I sat close to the middle. It had a whiteboard. I don't know what class it was, there were people around me but they were insignificant). I know, and he's already dead. I think he never sent a second text though... and then I felt really uneasy.. you know.. like the feeling you get when you're left hanging.. and you don't know what everything meant.. and like it happens all too sudden and they've pretty much unexpectedly left your life without your consent. Pretty much like a relationship breakup that you didn't want. You still put so much in, you're ready to put so much in, you still care so much.. but they just suddenly "stop" and all your feelings are left unresponded. Kind of what this abrupt stop of 'mysterious messages' feels like. This break-up analogy was added when I'm writing this, I didn't actually think of that in the dream.
Then I woke up I think. I didn't even realise it was a dream at first. I was half awake and half asleep. I thought he was actually dead.. and somehow convinced myself he still loved me. It wasn't until I was fully aware I was sobbing and wiping a whole heap of mess on my pillow that I was conscious that a dream just took place and he probably doesn't love me and I just had a non-lucid dream. I still kept sobbing though.. don't know why. I kept crying.. for like half an hour? Maybe an hour? Then I decided to get up... and make this into a permanent memory. It was so vivid, I decided to transfer it into this entry before all my other subjective analysis, insanity, craziness, stupid explanations try contaminating it. I know that I added heaps of questions, but they were more anchors for how I was feeling and not attempting to make judgements. I'm trying to make this as objective as possible - this isn't wishful thinking that he'll get back with me. This isn't asking for sympathy and thinking this is some form of divine hint telling me he still wants me back. This is by far from any form of truth or reflects how he feels about me. This tells me nothing. This will never tell me anything. This won't tell me if he still cares/loves me. Because all this is not true, I know that. And he's too apathetic to care. Maybe the dream was a subtle wishful thinking I had, despite the fact I am aware that it is not true and have accepted it (major difference, from having denial resulting in wishful thinking) I think dreams are probably just dreams. And I'm simply just recounting this dream, simply an event in my life.
And when I stopped crying at around 4:30am... maybe 5am? I sent Andy a text.
"Andy.. I had a nightmare.. it's about you"
Just that one text.
We don't text much anymore.. we hardly talk on MSN. But I sent him that text... just that single one. Well it's still 6:51am I don't expect him to reply.
And that's pretty much it. I'm satisfied with this recount... I'm content.
I'll probably be off to bed now - catch up on some sleep. Just wanted to write all that from my head down before it was all too late.