My high school sweetheart. Even after all those years of sitting and waiting and wishing I don’t know what to do.

I never knew it then. At best the truth was just sad fantasies, back then. I had no idea it was real. Everything I wished for – her – I was so close to having, and I had no idea.

* Cue the irony. *

Don’t you just love how as soon as your life settles into a comfortable rhythm, when you give up and let go, the past comes back and shouts in your face?

I waited for her for years, never believing I would ever get what I was waiting for, but waiting nonetheless. I finally gave up, but it took until now for me to feel any sort of peace. And so suddenly she’s back dragging our past with her, shedding light from another angle so I have to look at it and live it again.

We talked for hours, sometimes laughing so we wouldn’t cry. I would have given everything to hear her say those words four years ago. Today they mean something different. I don’t know how to use them or what to make of them. Part of me is ready to fling away everything else I’ve worked so hard to create, to have her instead. Can I though?

Maybe we’re in love with each other.

Maybe nothing will happen. Maybe she’ll stay with her girlfriend and I’ll stay with my boyfriend and we’ll always think what if? in a sad kind of way but never know.

I think that’s the most likely, and it makes me want to cry.

“I liked you first… she reminded me of you. The reason I had a breakdown after she and I got together was because I was still having feelings for… someone else. And it’s always bugged me because sometimes I wonder… if… I… picked… the… right… one.”

What a bittersweet thing to hear.

How dare she say that.

I really don’t know what to do.