Well, so much for relieving my inner turmoil.

(In case you haven't figured it from the title, I cuss a tad more than usual. Still not a whole bunch. But more than usual. Not as if any of you know me in real life and know my speaking habits, but still...)

So, I told the girl I like that I like her. Mind you, this was not how I planned it. Firstly, I planned to tell her in person, not to back into it on IM. Second, I always imagined (naive, I know), that she might like me back. Third, I thought she would flip out more when I told her, and that everything would be awkward between us. However, that's not how it was at all. So I told her, pretty gently, I must say, and she told me, equally nicely, ok, I don't feel that way. Fine. All good. Since it was almost 1:30 AM at that point, she told me to go to sleep. ;) So ok, I logged off. Figured sleep was a good idea at that point. A couple of minutes ago, however, I decided to check Myspace (because OF COURSE in the past hour I had to find something to do other than sleep. :P), and discovered that she posted a blog about how strange she feels that so many of her friends (of both genders) develop crushes on her. Mind you, if you don't know her well and haven't read the actual blog, you don't quite understand her situation and way of expressing it. My concise version of it isn't quite as telling as what I really know, it's just too complicated to express without going into excruciating detail. So I basically feel like shit not because she doesn't like me. I knew it would never actually happen, so it's not like I had high hopes. And I know that she doesn't want to be mean and tell me in person, in the conversation, exactly how she feels. Ok. Fine. So I'm overreacting. But I wish she had told me! Dammit. Now I feel just as confused and shitty as if she had really been freaked out. Or maybe she's overreacting too. I know I'm not the whole reason she's freaked out--I'm actually just 1/15 of the issue, and I happen to be the straw that broke the camel's back. I'm just confused about what I felt, what I feel, what I said, what I shouldn't have said, what has happened to her, the fact that we're amazingly close friends, and my wish that I knew what the hell was going on in both of our heads. I guess anyone who's read this far can figure I'm inexperienced in matters of romance. Yes, yes I am. So now I get to feel like I did it all wrong, but I couldn't have done it any more right. I liked her. Maybe I still do. Maybe it's over-inflated by not seeing her for almost 3 months. :( I'm not even quite sure what I think anymore. All I know is that I screwed up that conversation mega-ly, and I hope it was just one conversation instead of one very valuable friendship. Somebody give me sleeping pills. It's 2:30 AM, I have fucking cramps, and I'm so fucking confused. Worst of all, I can't commiserate with ANYONE cause I'm not out. We commiserated over stupid people before, our own stupidity, the stupidity of stupid boys in our lives. And now I have fucked up our relationship, at least temporarily, and there's nothing left for me to do but wish I were seeing her next week when I move back into school. Instead, I don't even know when I'm seeing her. When she'll visit. When I'll be able to make it right. Cause there's nothing quite like talking in person.

I'm gonna go write a fucking song. :P Too bad my grandparents only have a crappy old piano in the basement, where my aunt is sleeping. I need my electric keyboard back, but I will only have it for 2 days. :'(

If anyone has anything to say that's more positive than "you're shit", even if it's complete idiocy and contains no advice or helpfulness, please go ahead. Or send me positive thoughts and shit. Whatever floats your boat.

In closing: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT. shitshitshit. I'm a fucking fool.