Voila. The un-proofread confusion that is my mind:

I have reservations about love. I haven’t found anyone who I want to have a long-term relationship with, ever, who it’s possible to have one with. If I wanted a fling, if I wanted sex, whatever, there are always people who don’t care about your personality, only care minimally about your looks, and care the most about whether you have the right anatomical parts or not. But finding someone who will love ME, look past the fact that I’m not drop-dead gorgeous or sexy, not care that I’m not popular, appreciate and complement my obsession with music, theater, and the most dorky of sciences, and live in a place where a relationship between us is even possible, is hard to find. And someone who I can love in return has to be like that. Maybe my standards are too high, but I refuse to get involved with someone who I don’t like enough to date for more than a short time. Since I’ve waited so long, I’m more and more closed to the options I have. And since I have pretty limited options, that doesn’t really help my quest.
And somehow, when I find someone I could see myself with, he or she only has friendship in mind, or doesn’t even have the right orientation for it to work out to begin with. On the rare occasions I’ve been able to summon up my courage to say that I really like someone, they’ve rebuffed it, kindly, but still rebuffed. A cancellation hurts less when it’s said sweetly, but it still hurts. And what hurts me more is knowing I’ve done the same thing to other people, especially a particularly nice guy I met last fall who I just couldn’t feel romantic affection for. Somehow, my heart eludes my head and all its reasons for being kind to others and receiving the same in return.
Finally, there’s the girl I love. We’ve been friends ever since we met at the beginning of last school year. However, she’s going to college and turning 18 soon, while I’m nowhere near in any way. I don’t know if we would date even if we weren’t far away and the wrong ages, but it would be nice to at least give it a chance. It might be awkward, and I would hope it wouldn’t ruin our incredibly close friendship. I’ll miss my all my friends who won’t be at my school anymore, but her especially, because I fell in love with her gradually, not realizing it would happen, not seeing that all our times together as friends left me feeling happier than I do after spending time with any of my other close friends. And then, when it hit me, like a box full of my hardcover fiction novels thrown from Hell, I suddenly knew that I was in love with her. However, it was too late to do anything about it in person. It’s the summer now, and I won’t see her until…sometime in the fall. I don’t even know when I’ll see her, and I can’t get enough of our online conversations. There’s so much more to love about her than hate that I just can’t help myself.